


Soul's Road

by Bluehaven4220



Category: Tales of the City (TV), due South
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Finding Love, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Love is the soul's road calling you, Male-Female Friendship, Past Rape/Non-con, finding closure, prison death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluehaven4220/pseuds/Bluehaven4220
Summary: “Ray,” Ben interjected. “Why are you so set on having Pam actually talk to Brian now? Couldn’t it have waited until she was back in California?”“Knowing her, she’d still do nothing about it, and both of them would be miserable,” I turned a corner sharply. “You heard the way she talked about him, both of us did. He could be good for her, and she for him, but has she said anything to him? Of course not, because she’s never felt like she’s deserved it. And she does.”





	Soul's Road

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesireeArmfeldt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesireeArmfeldt/gifts), [ButterflyGhost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyGhost/gifts).



> Pam and Emily Coltrane are characters from one of my very first Due South stories, titled "Indivisible from the Curtains, I am the Disappeared." Unfortunately, the muse for that story went away, and now it's come back to give those characters a resolution. 
> 
> Brian Hawkins was played by Paul Gross in the first series of Tales of the City, which aired in 1993, just before Due South was picked up. The version of Brian in this story is based on Paul's portrayal of the character. I've also brought in characters and events that happened in the later books (titled Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City), and not just the three mini-series.
> 
> Special thanks to DesireeArmfeldt and ButterflyGhost for all the beta, notes, redrafts, hand holding, and cheer leading. This story would not be what it is without you. Thank you. Truly.

 “As much as I adore this house, the stairs and upkeep are getting to be too much for these old bones,” Anna explained as Brian Hawkins and I sat in her living room over a pot of tea. “I don’t want to sell to someone who doesn’t see the charm and _life_ that the house has, which is why I’m offering it to you two, as an investment property.”

I blinked as I replayed my landlady’s words in my head. Had I heard her correctly? She wanted to sell Barbary Lane, and she wanted to sell to me and Brian?

“There wouldn’t be a need for anyone to move,” Anna continued. “I’ve always said that this house is a family, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

I’d only been at 28 Barbary Lane for five years, whereas Brian had lived there on an off since the seventies, same with our other housemate, Michael. Why would Anna make _me_ an offer when I had no previous experience owning a house? I had my yarn shop, sure, but owning a business was not the same thing.      

“I’m in,” Brian agreed immediately. “It would be good for Shawna and me to have someplace to call ours again.” He and his ex-wife Mary Ann had owned their apartment a few blocks away, until she’d grown tired of the whole “marriage, babies, and family” routine. He hadn’t heard from her since she’d left him and their daughter.

Frankly, I thought to myself, good riddance. If Mary Ann could not see what was right in front of her, then that was her loss. There were plenty of other women who would be happy to have Brian and his daughter Shawna in their life.

“Now hold on, hold on," Anna patted him on the arm while reaching for the ashtray with her other hand. “Are you absolutely sure you want to jump in like this? To be honest, Brian, that seems a bit too hasty.” Ever the realist, Anna had essentially put her finger in the neck of Brian’s shirt and pulled him backward. “Plus, I think Pam may need a moment to think about it.”

“Uh…” The powers of speech had deserted me. The fact that Brian had just mentioned the phrase ‘somewhere to call our own’; it was like being punched in the stomach. Everything I ever really wanted summed up in five simple words.

“Of course, it’s a big decision,” Brian was trying to back-pedal. “And when I said ‘a place to call our own’, I didn’t just mean me and Shawna. It’d be good for you and Emily too. We'd be in it together, as partners.”

“I don’t know,” I chose to focus on Anna for the time being. “That's a really generous offer, Mrs. Madrigal, but…”

“When you start calling me Mrs. Madrigal, that's when we need a little girl talk,” she reached forward and picked up the stack of papers we’d been reading through. “Brian, would you mind giving us a few minutes?”

“No, not at all. I’ll go see if Shawna needs help with her homework.”

“She’s in the kitchen, dear boy,” Anna smiled. “Her science class has started on the basics of chemistry, and baking is a good start.”

“So she's in the kitchen baking in the pursuit of scientific inquiry?” Brian smiled just enough to show the one crooked eye tooth he had. “I’m shocked and surprised.”

“Why shocked and surprised? One can only hope she's picked _something_ up the past few years, especially when you've just mastered the basics yourself.”

Brian chuckled. “Well, gee, thanks. At least the days of making peanut butter and jelly for most meals are long gone.”

“We do what we need to in order to save our pennies,” Anna winked. “In any case, I hope you like chocolate cake.”

“I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like chocolate cake,” Brian answered as he got up and made his way to the kitchen, where I could smell the cake baking in the oven and heard Shawna running the water in the sink to wash the dishes. “Shout if you need anything.”

“Of course, now off with you,” Anna shooed him out before turning her attention back to me. “Now that it’s just us girls, Pam, tell me what’s holding you back?”

“I…” it felt as though I had a lump of peanut butter stuck in my throat. “I don’t know if I’m up to it. I’ve never owned a home before.”

“Neither had I when I bought the place, not really.”

“What if I completely screw it up and ruin whatever friendship I have with Brian, and then he can’t trust me?”

“Oh my dear,” Anna leaned forward, grabbed the teapot, and poured us both another cup of tea. “This is a risk no matter how we choose to look at it. Of course there’s pros and cons and worries about everything that could go wrong, but it can also be an exciting adventure. If anything, you should talk to Brian about your concerns before you give me any sort of answer.”

I shook my head. “Can’t.”

“And why not? I understand it’s a big decision and I’m asking a lot of you all at once, but believe me when I say I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t think you and Brian were the best choice.”

“I…” I was usually much more articulate, but at this point nothing made sense. “Why would you want to sell to me, though? Especially since I’ve only been here five years?”

“Because I asked you,” Anna answered matter-of-factly. “There’s something about you that reminds me of me when I was your age.”

“My age? I’m thirty-seven.”

“Mmm hmm, and you’ve been drifting for quite a long time. I did the same thing for a lot longer. And it didn’t get any easier until I made the decision to put down roots and settle in this house.”

Hearing her say that made me wonder why she couldn’t just tell me “this is what I think you should do, step by step.” I _needed_ her to say that, but from her tone, that wasn’t going to happen.

“All I can do, Pam, is repeat the offer. Solving the ‘what ifs’ is something that I can’t help you with.”

“But you brought it up.”

“Yes I did. And now I see that, if nothing else, you and Brian need to have a discussion about whether you really want the house, or if this reaction is something else entirely.”

I drew in a deep breath. If Anna wasn’t going to give me the advice I needed, there were only three other people who I knew would be honest with me. “Would it be alright if I talked to Emily’s uncle and her grandparents first?”

“Of course,” Anna was always a reasonable woman. “I’m not going to open the bidding up to anyone else for the time being. You take as long as you need, and let me know.”

“Thank you, Anna,” I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “Could I use your phone? I should book a ticket now.”

She patted my hand and stood up. “I think I’ll go see what Brian and Shawna are up to.”

Once she turned around to go into the kitchen, I took a moment to sort out my thought process. I knew it would be a little more expensive to fly to Chicago first, and then head on to Arizona, but I wanted to talk to Ray. I missed him just as much as I missed Damian and Barbara. It seemed like it’d be easier to approach Ray with the news first, as he was my friend, not an authority figure in my life. After all, they had experience in property ownership, and something like this couldn’t be discussed over the phone.

It wasn’t until I actually picked up the phone to book said ticket that I noticed Anna hadn’t said anything about my using the phrase ‘Emily’s grandparents’ instead of ‘my parents.’   

ooOoo

Being back in Chicago was the oddest thing that had happened to me in a very long time. I was feeling strangely nervous about seeing Ray again. He was my oldest friend, and we’d been out of touch for over five years. I could only hope he didn’t hate me for it.

Since I’d been away for close to five years, I saw that nothing had changed, but at the same time, everything had. Ray’s parents, Damian and Barbara Kowalski, whom I had lived with from the age of seventeen and considered my daughter Emily’s grandparents, had relocated to Arizona, and Emily and I had packed everything up and made our way to San Francisco, and we hadn’t looked back. Then, with the conversation I’d had with Anna still fresh in my head, I could not believe that suddenly, I was potentially a landlady, on the condition that I could head home to Chicago and then Arizona, first to discuss it with Ray, and, most importantly, Damian and Barbara.

Now, after deciding to take a week’s holiday, I drove to the address Barbara had given me when I’d called her to confirm travel plans, (when I’d also asked her not to say anything to Ray because I wanted to surprise him), and found a space in the corner of the parking lot. It was surprisingly empty for a Saturday morning. Walking up to the front door, I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and pushed open the door to _Steps in Motion_ _Ballroom Dance_. Underneath the name I read _S. Raymond Kowalski, Owner and Proprietor_.

Well, I was surprised when Barbara told me and I still can’t quite believe it. I can’t imagine why Ray would have walked away from police work to open a ballroom dance studio, and I got the impression that Barbara didn’t really know why, either. Ray had been over the moon excited to join the Academy, going on… I guess seventeen years ago now. However, I suppose opening a dance studio hadn’t been _too_ far out of his wheelhouse. After all, he had danced recreationally as a young man, even going on to win a few competitions with his partner (and girlfriend, later wife) Stella. I’d gone to those competitions out of curiosity, and I hadn’t been disappointed. The music, the costumes, the grace with which everyone moved across the dance floor had been exhilarating. I could see why Ray and Stella had fallen in love with the sport, and each other.

I walked up the reception desk to see a young lady sorting through the accounts and bills at the computer. When I approached and waited, she looked up and flashed me a smile.

“Good morning! How can I help you?” She was entirely too chipper for nine in the morning on a Saturday.

“Hi, I’m here to see Ray Kowalski?”

“Oh! Well, he’s just in the middle of a lesson right now, but I’ll let him know you’re here…” She got up and walked back toward the room that he was in. It was a small studio, and I could hear him going through the counts of “slow, quick, quick, slow… quick, quick, slow…” If memory served me correctly, that sounded like a rumba box step. Going to all those competitions had certainly made a lasting impression, kind of like riding a bike. Once you learn, you never forget.  

“Very good, very good… again, Abby. Quick, quick, slow…” All of a sudden his voice went very quiet, and a few moments later, he emerged to greet me.

“Pam? Is that you?” he breathed, a look of shock rolling across his features before a smile reaching all the way up to his eyes appeared.

“Hi Ray,” I managed a small wave, as though five years of silence was simply par for the course of our relationship.

He stepped toward me and hugged me tightly. “Jesus Christ, it’s been _ages.”_

“I know, I’m horrible for that. Sorry.” Sorry wasn’t enough, but it was all I had to offer him at the moment. I let him go and looked him up and down. He looked a bit older, sure, with a few crow’s feet around his eyes, but he looked almost exactly the same as he had when I’d last seen him. “Anyway, I’m sorry if I caught you at a bad time. I’m really only back for a visit, since I live full time in San Francisco now…”

“Come over for dinner later on tonight and tell me all about it?” Ray offered as he cut me off mid-sentence. “We’re just finishing up, and then we’ve got to finish prepping. It’s our first competition of the season tomorrow, and we’re still making sure we have the routine down pat.”

“If you’ve got a competition tomorrow, maybe we should wait until Monday? I’m not due in Arizona until Thursday.”

“Works for me, I’ll let Ben know.”

I bit my tongue before asking who Ben was. “What’s on the go tomorrow?”

“Latin and ballroom.”

I whistled quickly. “Bitten off more than you can chew?” I asked as I looked over his shoulder to see who I could only assume was his partner. I think I heard him call her Abby? Her feet were flying across the floor as she practiced in front of the mirror.

“I don’t think so. I mean, Abby is a little nervous but I know she’ll do great,” he answered, but he didn’t elaborate. Something told me there was more to the story than what he was letting on. Abby, from her reflection in the mirror, didn’t look like she was old enough to drive, let alone compete in a Standard ballroom competition. Still, if she could move as she was right then, I’d say that she and Ray had a pretty good chance of winning. “I’m really happy to see you, Pam. Thanks for dropping by.”

He disappeared into the studio again, and, with the understanding that I’d only get in the way, I made my way back toward the hotel that I’d booked into, and went into the dining room for a drink and a meal. I hadn’t actually realized how hungry I was, and how tired. Getting on a plane at zero dark thirty and then spending at least three hours squished in a plane seat was enough to drain anyone’s energy.

But now more than anything, my curiosity was piqued. Who exactly was Abigail, and more importantly, who was she to Ray?

That’s not to say that I was jealous. Ray and I were never lovers, just friends. Well, unless you count during my pregnancy and then the first six months after Emily was born, then yes, we kind of _were_ lovers, and that was because Ray and Stella hadn't been together. When they reconciled and started spending all their time together, anyone with a pair of eyes could see that he was in love with Stella. In short, Ray and I been good for each other, but I was not “the one” for him, and I was okay with that. Even if I had been interested later on, I wouldn’t have stood a chance. Hell, I remember being at their _wedding_ and crying because they looked so good together. Now, I knew they’d gotten a divorce, and after that, and I know this is my fault, I kind of dropped off the face of the Earth. Not literally, of course, I just… got busy with my own life in San Francisco. I had Emily, and my friends and family at Barbary Lane, and work. I’d kind of left everyone in Chicago behind. Actually, there was no “kind of” about it. I _had_ left everyone in Chicago behind.

I’d heard that lift in Ray’s voice when he talked about Abigail, and in inviting me over for dinner on Monday night, it was almost as though he had something to tell me.  Although I was curious, I didn’t want to push him about it. I’d find out on Monday, when I went to dinner. Since I know he’d stopped drinking a few years ago, just before I’d left, and he’d never really been one for sweets, aside from pineapples, I had to figure out what to bring. Nothing showcased bad manners like showing up empty-handed when you’d been invited to dinner.

 ooOoo

On Monday night, I again found myself driving to the address I’d been given, a cherry pie on the passenger seat. After all, not everyone likes pineapple upside down cake. I buzzed the apartment bearing the name “Fraser”, just like Ray had told me to, and waited.

Ray buzzed me in. When I went up the stairs and knocked, he answered that as well.

“Pamela Coltrane!” He said my name as though announcing it for other people who might be in the apartment. Smiling, he stepped to the side and allowed me entrance.

Once inside, I recognized his partner Abigail from the dance studio and suddenly realized she wasn’t as young as I’d first thought she was. Having now seen her in different lighting and up close, she was Emily’s age, give or take a year. Good Lord, there was no way Ray had gone from Stella to someone who wasn’t even twenty years old, and someone who was his student at that!

Blinking, I pulled myself together enough to tell myself that I was probably jumping to conclusions. “Hello! How nice to meet you. You must be Abigail?”

“Yes,” the young girl answered, clearly surprised that I knew her name. “Can I take that off your hands…” she stopped. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name just then?”

“Oh! I’m sorry. I’m Pam, I’m an old friend of Ray’s. I was the one who called on him at the dance studio on Saturday, that’s how I knew your name…” God, my mouth was running away on me as I handed her the cherry pie wrapped in protective dish towel.

“Pleased to meet you, Pam. I’ll just put this in the kitchen. I hope you like chicken parmesan,” Abigail smiled at me sweetly and disappeared around the corner as Ray took my coat and hung it up in the closet.

Once that was done, I whipped around quickly. He was still so close that I nearly stepped on his foot.

“For the love of God, tell me she’s not your girlfriend…”

“What?” Ray’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “No! After everything that happened between us when we were teenagers, you _really_ think I’d get a divorce and start dating someone barely out of her teens? That’s absurd. That’s ‘midlife crisis gone haywire’ absurd.”

“Well we haven’t spoken in five years,” I knew I’d put my foot in it. “Things change.”

“Not that much.” I heard the defensive tone in his voice. “Abigail is my stepdaughter.”

“You got married again?”

“No.”

“So how is she your stepdaughter?”

“Near enough as makes no difference.” He made a sweeping motion with his arm. ”Can I get you something to drink?”

“I wouldn’t mind club soda, if you’ve got it.” I followed him into the dining room, where Abigail was finishing setting the table. I heard another voice and the sound of the oven door shutting.

“Okay, chicken is ready. Abby, could you finish putting the salad together?” A man came out of the kitchen, set the pan on a trivet on the table and looked up. “Oh, hello!” he greeted me, holding out his hand. “You must be Pam. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“All good things, I hope,” I managed, trying not to let the shock I felt show on my face. He was the younger version of Brian. They were the same height, had the same colour eyes and hair, _and_ the same crooked eye tooth that only showed up when they smiled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

“How rude of me. My name is Benton Fraser, RCMP.”

“You’re a Mountie?” I dropped his hand, and that’s when I noticed the gold band on his right ring finger. “Of course you are. What a stupid question.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you can call me Ben. I’ve grown to like it.”

“Ben,” I nodded, trying his name out on my tongue. Suddenly, it hit me. Ben was wearing a ring on his right hand… he was a widower, and, if I wasn’t mistaken, Abigail was _his_ daughter.

She looked Native American or something, and he definitely didn’t, but even so… there was something in the way she carried herself which was a mirror of Ben. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but somehow she was just so obviously his daughter. “It’s very nice to meet you,” I paused for a moment as Ray handed me my club soda with a wedge of lemon. “Thank you for putting all this together, I’m sure you weren’t really expecting guests on such short notice.”

“Oh now, two days is plenty of time to prepare. I’m happy to do it,” he answered as Abby brought the salad bowl to the table, Ray following behind her with bottles of salad dressing. As we all sat down together, I started to take notice of just how at ease the three of them were together. If it hadn’t already been obvious, anyone with a brain could have seen that Ray and Ben were in love, and had formed a family. It’s not as though I was surprised at the fact that Ray had a lover, but more the fact that he’d been so in love with Stella when they first got married that I was having a hard time picturing him with anyone else, never mind a Mountie who was a widower and had a daughter who looked to be around the same age as my own child.

Although, I reasoned, since he looked around the same age as Ray and I, Ben _could_ have been a young father, same as I’d been a young mother. And since he was wearing a ring, I was starting to wonder what exactly had happened to his wife.

“So, uh, Pam,” Abigail addressed me directly as we finished passing various plates and side dishes around the table. “Can I ask how you know Ray?”

I coughed to clear my throat and took a sip of water. Not wanting to appear rude, I simply told her the truth.

“Ray and I have been friends since we were twelve, but it was more like ‘we see each other every so often because we live very different lives.’” I was being particularly vague, but I could see that Abigail was interested, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked. “And, when I discovered I was pregnant at seventeen, I left home, and he and his parents stepped in and saved my life, in the literal sense.”

“What do you mean?” Ben asked.

“I mean that he and his parents…” Could I really trust that long held secret to a stranger? Even if he and Ray were together, I didn’t want to upset anyone, especially at dinner. “They took me in after I told them I was pregnant, and wanted to keep the baby.” There, that would do. “Actually, looking at you, Abigail, I think you and my daughter are pretty close in age. You’re, what? Twenty, twenty-one?”

“Twenty-one,” Abigail answered as she poked at her dinner, looking a little dejected. She’d probably wanted to know more, but I wasn’t ready to go into more detail just yet, if at all.

“Ah, then Emily is a year younger. You know, I think you two would get along well.”

I saw her nod and shift on her chair, although the expression on her face told me she was humouring me.

“Not that it really matters right now.” My mouth was running away on me again. “She decided to stay in San Francisco. Lord knows Anna enjoys her company.” As soon as I said that, I knew that that last sentence meant nothing to them; they had no idea who Anna was. “Anna’s my landlady. Anyway, I’m babbling on way too much. I actually wanted to ask you how things went on Saturday.”

“Do you know ballroom dance?” Abigail’s expression softened.

“I used to go along with Ray and Stella to competitions,” I answered. “By the end of their last competitive season I was so pregnant I could barely walk, but I wanted to support my friends and it just was lovely.” I blinked, bringing myself out of my reverie. “It was Latin _and_ Ballroom this weekend, right?”

“Yes, but the focus was on Ballroom,” Abigail answered. “Cha Cha, Argentine Tango, and Rumba,” Abigail smiled, taking a drink of water. “We won, actually.” She sounded so nonchalant about it I couldn't help but wonder whether she really was pleased with the result.

The cordless phone rang just as Abby finished chewing. She held up a finger to excuse herself and answered it. “Hello?”

Ben, Ray, and I went back to our meal, although I couldn’t help noticing the exasperated expression on Abby’s face as she listened to the voice on the other end of the line. “Is this a case of ‘the sky is falling?’”

I speared a bit of salad to give myself something to do.

“Alright, I’ll try to fix it remotely. Can you give me ten minutes to log on? Awesome, thanks. I’ll call you back.” Abigail hung up the phone and came back to the table.

“Everything okay?” Ray asked.

“I’m really sorry to cut this short, but I’ve got to log onto my computer immediately.” Abigail gave us all an apologetic look. “Unfortunately, the publishing world never sleeps during a launch, and that means I have some work to catch up on. Please excuse me…” She picked up her plate and brought it to the sink. Soon after, she disappeared into her bedroom.

Well, to be fair, I’d heard that working at a publishing house was stressful, and Abigail had looked absolutely wrecked. The dark circles under her eyes were a giveaway. As she’d said, she was in the beginning stages of a book launch, and from the phone call and now the sound of her desktop computer booting up, she’d agreed to work from home the remainder of the night.

“So, Ray,” I started as the door to Abby’s room closed. “A dance studio?”

“What about it?”

“It’s a _huge_ change, isn’t it?” Of course it was, but I wanted him to tell me why. “You were so excited to become a police officer, and you had just made Detective when I left. Now, the next time I actually see you, you’ve given it up and, what? You’re a professional dancer now?”

“Never said I was a professional,” Ray shook his head.

“So then, I’m curious…”

“ _Now_ you’re curious?” I could tell by his tone that he was as confused about my curiosity as I was about the entire situation, including the fact that he hadn’t told me about he and Ben becoming a couple and being Abigail’s stepfather when we’d spoken to confirm dinner plans. Maybe he really was feeling hurt at my having been out of touch for so long.

“You gonna let me finish my sentence?” We’d always had a knack for banter when we were younger, and that included the times we sounded like we were about to start a fight. This time, it felt as though neither of us knew what to do with ourselves.

Once upon a time, it’d been so easy for us to have a conversation, and now, an hour into dinner it felt like pulling teeth. “What made you suddenly decide ‘Hey, I’m done being a police officer now. Time for a change?’”

“Pardon me, Pam,” Ben interjected. “But do you make it your business to interrogate your friends? If so, you might have missed your calling.”

“Ben,” Ray shushed him and quickly gripped his hand before letting go. “It’s okay. That’s just what Pam and I do. Anyway, there’s not much to tell,” he insisted. “I kinda got a little burned out on police work. One too many situations like yours and seeing the same people coming in again and again.” He sounded tired all of a sudden. “So I decided, you know, give the kids something constructive to do. Let them burn off that extra energy before it gets them into trouble. A lot of the kids at the boxing gym want to be more steady on their feet. Ballroom’s a good way to get a bit of outside training.”

I pursed my lips and nodded, feeling a little chastised for having been so aggressive earlier. “And do you have any students from the gym coming in for lessons?”

“Yeah, a few of them.” He gave me that satisfied look that had crossed his face many times when we were teenagers. “Levon Jefferson’s one of em.”

That name meant nothing to me, although Ray’s smile reached his eyes when he spoke in detail. Ray and Ben had had to arrest one of the fighters Ray had been training after his opponent had died after a few rounds. The fighter he’d had to arrest had been Levon, and later, Ray’s idol, Franco Devlin. Looking back, he said, that arrest had been the beginning of the end of his policing career. He’d been feeling restless anyway, and something had been telling him it was time for a change. So that's what had happened. He'd found, bought, and renovated an old building and turned it into the dance studio. Three years later, it was successful and just starting to thrive as a competitive contender. Although the competitive team wasn't very _big_ at this point, meaning himself and Abigail, they’d had some success.

“That sounds amazing!” I was truly in awe of what Ray had been able to accomplish in just three years. “It makes me wonder if I should have started ballroom dancing as a hobby after I finished high school.”

“What did you end up doing?” Ben asked.

“Community college, and then I found a job at a bookstore close to the house, so that I could be home very soon after my shift and relieve Barbara. She had her own sewing business to run, never mind agreeing to look after Emily while I worked and went to school because I couldn't afford daycare.” I took a drink of my club soda. “What about you, Ben? What did you do before you joined the RCMP?”

“Various things, since I wasn’t old enough for much,” he started. “First I helped to build the community centre in Fort Norman, it’s now called Tulita, and then I washed dishes at the local bar, and did a season at a logging camp.”

“All that before you decided to become a police officer?”

“There wasn’t much for a sixteen year old who had a child to take care of,” Ben repeated.

“Don’t I know that struggle,” I agreed with him just as the phone rang again.

“Don’t touch it! It’s for me!” Came a shout from Abigail’s bedroom. She ran into the living room quickly, grabbed the cordless phone and disappeared again in a matter of seconds. “Sorry, my boss can't seem to dial the phone in my room. It's only one digit difference!”

I couldn’t quite tell if that had been a coincidence, or a deliberate means of distraction. Probably a coincidence, as Abigail wasn’t in the room and not part of the conversation. In any case, it had worked.

“So, Pam,” Ray started. “How’s life in San Francisco treating you?”

“It’s good,” I nodded. I was trying to hide my excitement and relief at Ray having brought this up. “Emily and I live in this beautiful house on Russian Hill.”

“Russian Hill?”

“Well, Barbary Lane, to be specific,” I shrugged. “I wish you could see it, it’s almost impossible to describe…Oh, hold on, I have pictures!” I grabbed my handbag that was hanging around my chair and dug through it to find the Polaroids I kept in my day planner.

“The first one is of the stairs leading up the house, and the second one is of the exterior of the house itself.”

I waited for a moment as Ray passed the photos to Ben for closer examination.

“Hmm…” Ben nodded. "From the look of the outside, and that color, it reminds me of a bear with bits of foliage stuck in its fur.”

I noticed Ray giving Ben the side-eye.

“That's precisely how an old tenant once described it,” I answered. I wouldn’t tell them _who,_ specifically, as it had been Mary Ann who had actually said it, and they didn’t need to know anything about her yet. “I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it.”

Ray snorted. “See, Ben? I told you you weren’t the only one obsessed with polar bears.”

“A tu, I was visualizing a grizzly.”

“Oh well, I stand corrected. Of course it was a grizzly bear.” Ray laughed again and leaned in to kiss Ben just as he handed back the photos.

“Actually, that was one of the things I came to talk to you about. Anna is my landlady,” I started. “And she’s getting older, wants to sell the house. Which is a damn shame because we all love it...”

“We?” Ray asked.

“My housemate Brian, his daughter Shawna, Emily, and I,” I clarified. “And a few others, but they haven’t been there as long. Brian has been there since the early seventies, on and off. But that’s not the news. Since she wants to sell, she offered it to Brian and me.”

Ray’s eyes went wide again. “That’s great news!” There was a smile now as well.

“You think I should do it? Brian’s already said yes...”

“If he’s already said yes, why not?”

“Well, I’ve got my yarn shop as well.”

“And? What’s the problem? People have been owning homes and their own businesses for centuries, Pam. “ Ray answered, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “If you and… Brian, you said his name was?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“If you and Brian both take it on, then all the responsibilities that come with it are split between the two of you, and that’s half the battle,” he reasoned. “I know it’s not that simple. You’ve got to know if you can work with him, and if you trust him.”

“I _do_ trust him,” I insisted. “And I know Anna does as well. She’s very intuitive about stuff like that. She wouldn’t have offered if she didn’t think Brian and I could take care of it.”

“I believe you,” Ray nodded. “The best part is, that means you’d have roots.”    

There was that feeling of being punched in the stomach again. Before moving to 28 Barbary Lane, the room I had in Ray’s parents’ house had been the only place that I truly felt at home. My mother had left me with my father when I was eight, and with my father being as he was…

“It’s still a ridiculous idea! No one should be giving me the responsibility of home ownership! I’ll mess it up, just like I told your parents when they offered me their house.”

“Not the same,” Ray insisted. “You’re older and wiser now, and in a much better place…”

I cleared my throat roughly. He was getting too close to my line in the sand.

“You’re totally capable of taking responsibility for stuff, look how you raised Emily.” Oh yeah, he was trying to figure out how to get his foot out of his mouth. “And besides, you didn't want a house at the time, you wanted to get the hell out of Chicago…” He got up from the table. “I’ll go start coffee for dessert.”    

Ray moving off into the kitchen left me with Ben, who was looking at me in a way I’d never seen anyone look at me before: empathy mixed with sadness. So, I continued talking.

“I only told Damian and Barbara that I wasn’t ready to buy the house and that was why I was turning down their offer,” I continued, making sure not to garble my words.

“No other reason than you weren’t ready?” It almost sounded like Ben was going to push for more, but instead just kept the conversation going.

“Not really, no.” As I shook my head, I also let my eyes wander to Ben’s right hand.

“Change of subject, Ben, but I’m really curious.”

“Yes?”

I stopped to take a drink of water. Talking non-stop like I had been had left me thirsty.

“Why do you wear your ring on your right hand?” I put my glass back on the table and waited. I half expected him to ignore it, or to turn the conversation around entirely.   

“My wife died in childbirth.”

Ah. Now my theory was confirmed. Even so, something told me he wasn’t going to elaborate unless I asked another question, and even then, it would depend on the question I asked.

“And Abigail is your only child?” There, that seemed safe enough.

“Yes,” he answered. “June and I, she’s Abigail’s mother, married soon after June told me she was with child. I actually asked her three times after she told me the news,” Ben leaned back in his chair and briefly crossed his arms over his chest. Good Lord, he did it exactly the same way that Brian did. Spooky. “But she thought I was being unnecessarily chivalrous and old-fashioned. Never mind that once we told her parents, we’d been forbidden from seeing each other.”

He paused for what seemed like a long time, looking off to the side as though he were thinking about something terribly important.

“What happened after that?” I prompted. I was starting to see that he was going to make me work for the information. If I wanted to know about him and Abigail, I had to wait as long as he wanted me to wait.

“She snuck out of the house and came to find me at my grandparents’ house, and we told them our news,” he continued. “Everyone was furious. I ended up sleeping in a tent outside her house after my grandparents closed up their cabin and went further north.” Ben shifted. “The baby was our responsibility, and I was not going to leave June as a single parent when we’d both had a hand in it, so to speak.” He turned away and sighed, as though he were collecting his thoughts. “Eventually, June’s parents allowed me back into the house, and we got married a few weeks later.”

“How long after that?” I didn’t finish the question in its entirety, but he seemed to understand what I was asking.

“Abigail was born six weeks early, in the middle of October, and June and I had gotten married at the end of May,” he looked far away, as though remembering a time that was both happy and painful for him. “Unfortunately June had a postpartum hemorrhage, and she couldn’t hold on,” I saw him bite his lip, sighing in order to steady himself.  “After she died, I wanted nothing to do with romance. Instead, I worked odd jobs, like the dish washing and the logging camp, until I was old enough to apply to the RCMP, and while I was in training, Abigail’s grandparents, my in-laws, to be specific, looked after her.”

“You were lucky to have them,” I nodded. “Just as I was lucky to have Ray’s parents.”

“Go on?”

I cleared my throat and quickly held up a finger to illustrate that I'd need a moment. I dug into my handbag slung across the back of my chair, grabbed my wallet and went through it, pulling out a photo of Emily. While it was very clear that she was my daughter, it was also abundantly clear that I was not in Chicago to turn Ray’s life upside down with a confession that he was actually Emily’s father.

“That’s my daughter, Emily,” I pushed the picture toward Ben. “Like I said, she’s a year younger than Abigail.”

“She’s beautiful,” Ben’s shoulders relaxed as he smiled and handed the photo back to me. “She looks a lot like you.”

“Really?” I squinted and took a closer look. “I never thought so. But then again, this _is_ her school photo. Sometimes the lighting brings out different features that I’d never noticed before.”

Ray came back to the table carrying the coffee pot, looking a lot more composed than he’d had earlier.

“Good chat?”

“Very much so,” Ben nodded as Ray went around the back of Ben’s chair, squeezing his hand as he did.

“Hey, Pam, quick question for you.”

“Yes, Ray?”

“It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but why come all the way out to Chicago to tell us about you possibly buying the house on Barbary Lane?”

“I wanted your opinion,” I answered perhaps a little too quickly. I could already tell he didn’t believe real estate was my only reason for returning. “Besides, I’m only in Chicago for a few days, then I’m on my way to Arizona. I want to talk to Damian and Barbara too. I’ve never owned a home, they have. Maybe they have some advice before I give Mrs. Madrigal, I mean Anna, a firm answer.”

“And what about Brian?” Ray asked he went back into the kitchen, presumably to grab the milk out of the fridge.

“What _about_ Brian?” I parrotted. “He’s my friend. We’ve had one or two quick discussions about it, same as you and I are now. He won’t put in an offer without me.”

“Forgive me, Pam,” Ben interjected. “But is the offer only valid if both you and Brian buy the house together?”

“No, not particularly,” I answered, smiling. “But neither of us want sole responsibility for the property. We both have savings, but not enough to buy independently without taking out a mortgage. We don’t want that either.”

“You’re using _we_ an awful lot, Pam,” Ray came back to the table with the milk pitcher and three mugs in his hands. “Something I should know?”

“What do you mean?” I accepted my mug and set it down on a coaster as Ray went back into the kitchen. “What are you asking me? Whether Brian and I are lovers?”

Silence.

“If you wanted to know _that,_ why didn't you just ask?” I stopped myself from laughing. “In any case, the answer is no. I haven't had a lover since I was… seventeen? Sixteen? No, seventeen.”

The surprise on Ray’s face was evident.

“You mean….”

“No one else since you and I, Ray,” I looked at Ben, who didn’t seem perturbed at this revelation. “Did Ray mention that at all?”

Ben nodded, while Ray seemed frozen in place.

“It’s been twenty years since then, Pam. Why?” Ray looked like a fish caught on a line as he spoke.

“Why not? Is that so hard to believe?” I answered as Ben cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. “After everything that happened, I wanted to be in control of what I did with my body for once.” Ray already knew this, and I was taking care to omit the most unpleasant parts of the story. “Which is why you, Ray, were the last person I had sex with, and, as you said, that was twenty years ago.”

Ray’s ears had gone red in embarrassment, whereas I couldn’t read Ben’s facial expression.

“That’s not a comment on your skill level, Ray Kowalski,” I assured him. “It just simply happened to turn out that way.”

“So I wasn’t so terrible as to put you off of sex for life, that’s good to know,” I could tell that Ray was trying to digest this new piece of information as he dished out coffee and the pie I’d brought for dessert.

“Of course not. You know as well as I do that my first priority was being Emily’s mom, not my dating life,” I put my dessert plate down on the table. “You were still learning at that point, but you were definitely not the worst I’d ever had.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Ben watching me intently, as though trying to draw a conclusion about me and the patched together story of my youth.

“Something on your mind?” I truly don’t think he’d meant to stare.

Ben swallowed his mouthful of coffee and shook his head. “I’m just sorting out my thoughts.”

I heard Ray chuckle. “That’s Mountie speak for ‘I want to ask you a very awkward question but I don’t wanna hurt your feelings by doing so.’”

“That’s it?” I let out a noise that sounded like “pfft” and leaned back in my chair. “Ask me anything you like…”

Ben looked to be on the verge of squirming and cleared his throat again.  

“Curiosity killed the cat, as they say.”

“Ah, but satisfaction brought him back,” I took a bite of pie. “I don’t think you could really offend me. There’s a lot about me that you don’t know, and naturally you’re curious. How much has Ray told you?”

He recited the information he had like a grocery list. “Just that you’d been friends since you were twelve, and that he considered you and your daughter to be family. Also that you’d slept together as teenagers, but after a year and a bit it fizzled out, as he and Stella reconciled and you focused on graduating and raising your daughter.”

I nodded, pursing my lips together. “Okay, yeah, that’s the Hallmark Channel version of it. Most of the information is there but the majority of the gore and mess isn’t included.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because that’s the truth of it,” I answered as Abigail came bolting out of her bedroom.

“I’m so sorry, Dad, Ray. I just got called back in. Something’s gone terribly wrong and I can’t fix it remotely.”

Ray squared his shoulders. “Do you need the car?”

“Do you mind terribly? I know it’s your baby…”

“Abby, relax. It’s a car.” He reached into his pants pocket and tossed her the keys. She caught them with one hand and gave all three of us a quick smile.

“I’m so sorry to have to leave, but it was very nice to meet you, Pam.”

“You as well, Abigail,” I offered as she grabbed her handbag and jacket, closing the door behind her.

The silence didn’t last long, I made sure of it.

“So, as I was saying,” I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the table. This was going to come out no matter what I did to try to stop it. “What Ray told you isn’t _wrong_ , just incomplete.”

“I figured you wouldn’t want me saying anything else unless you were here,” Ray reasoned.

“I appreciate that, I really do,” I reassured him. “Anyway, the reason I say that I wanted a say in what I did with my body was because I was thirteen the first time I had sex.”

Ah, there was a definite mood change in the atmosphere. Poor Ben, he looked almost stricken. “A thirteen year old can’t consent...”

“Who said I consented?” I stopped him, years of repressed emotion making their way from the pit of my stomach and up into my throat. “Anyway, my father figured out how to leverage my body for money after that. I spent four years trapped in his house, used as a whore. And I was _very_ good at it. I made a lot of money.” This was the most difficult part, and I figured it would be best to get it over with. “The day I ran into Ray again at the boxing gym was the day that I had worked up the courage to get away.” I sniffed, trying to stop the tears from coming.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Ben offered.

“Thank you,” I accepted it. I’d long since understood that when people didn’t know what to say about situations like mine, they apologized for something that wasn’t their fault. It was the accepted practice, after all. “And once I told Ray and his parents that I was pregnant for the fourth time and that I couldn't face the thought of another abortion, they told me there was no question about my staying with them.” I couldn’t stop myself now. “Damian and Barbara convinced me to try talking to the police about what had happened to me, and the only officer who believed me took on my case.”

“That was Lieutenant Welsh, only he was a detective at the time,” Ray put in.

“Had you tried speaking to the police before?” Ben was taking this whole story in remarkable stride.

“Once, and they didn’t take me seriously,” I answered. “But Welsh did. Like I said, he believed me, and made sure my father was arrested and that the case went to trial.”

“And what happened once it went to trial?”  

“The court threw the book at him. The judge and jury didn’t take too kindly to finding out that he was a serial abuser and child pornographer.” I bit down on my lip to compose myself. “I wept in the courtroom when he was sentenced. Ray and Damian were there with me, Barbara had stayed home with Emily, as I didn’t want my father knowing I’d had a child. She would have been in danger if he’d ever laid eyes on her.”

Ben nodded.

“As it is, he doesn’t know that she exists, and I’m damn well going to keep it that way.” I continued. “My father’s serving a lifetime sentence with no chance of parole for twenty-five years. So all in all, I’m no longer as worried as I once was.” I took a deep breath. “And that’s that. Once Emily started tenth grade, we were both ready for a change, and headed out to San Francisco.”

“I…” I could see Ben was searching for the right thing to say. “I’m absolutely amazed that you’re able to talk about it with such composure.”

“This isn’t composure,” I insisted. “The only reason I’m not a blubbering, sobbing mess on the floor is thanks to years of therapy.”

“Understood,” he answered, although I wasn’t sure he wasn’t just humouring me at that point. “Thank you, Pam.”

“For what?”

“For being brave,” he answered me. “I’m glad you told me what you felt was important for me to know.” He reached over and gripped my hand in reassurance. “Your daughter is lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have her,” I countered. “But you can see why I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with anyone, let alone Brian, can’t you?”

“I can,” Ben answered me.  “But have you considered that maybe this isn’t just about real estate?”

“Nope, because that’s what it is,” I insisted. “What else could it be about? Anna offered me the chance to buy a house, and I wanted some advice face-to-face from both Ray and his parents. Someone who makes such a huge decision without first thinking things through and then not talking things out with people they trust has a larger chance of said decision coming back to bite them in the ass sooner or later. Aside from that, I know I wouldn’t have survived without the Kowalskis. That’s why I’m not going to give Anna a firm answer until I talk with them.”

I looked over to see Ray smiling, but there was also something underneath the surface. After all, I’d just dumped all this information on someone I didn’t know very well, and in doing so, made myself incredibly vulnerable. Of course, Ray had to be feeling a little vulnerable as well. Helping me as he had all those years ago must have left him with unresolved feelings just as they did for me, although he and I had never really talked about it after Emily was born. “So, Pam, change of subject back to something other than real estate.”

“Uh huh?”

“You sure you don’t wanna tell us about Brian, and why he’s so important?”

I groaned and blasted out a laugh. Sometimes Ray could be as dense as a rock. Well meaning, but dense.

“Okay, you think you’re funny, I’ve known that for years,” I finished my slice of pie and put my fork down. “But if you ask me about Brian again, I’ll have to throat punch you.”

I heard Ben clear his throat in an attempt to change the subject again just as my cell phone rang.

It was enough of a distraction to startle all three of us. My hand immediately went to my jacket, my phone trilling in the pocket.

Only two or three people would have called from the house, and Emily had Ray’s number already. She wouldn't specifically call my cell phone unless it was a case of life or death, since long distance plans are very expensive and we hadn’t had ours for very long.

“Sorry, Ray, could I…” I pointed toward the living room.

“Sure, no problem…” Ray jumped up out of his chair. “Ben, want to help me with the dishes?”

“Absolutely I do, Ray.” I could tell he was trying to be polite and give me a little bit of privacy.

I answered the call, my heart in my throat. Please, please, don't let anything be seriously wrong with the two people I care the most about.  

What? Where had that come from?

“Hi Pam,” Brian greeted me, jarring me out of my thoughts.

“Hi, what’s up? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re all good here. Just wanted to let you know you got a call from someone named…” I heard paper rustling, as though he was sitting at the table reading. “Found it. Lieutenant… I can't read Emily’s handwriting here. Something Welsh. Starts with an H.”

“ _Harding_ Welsh?”

“That's it,” he confirmed. “It's underlined in red, so whatever he has to say might be important.” He paused for a moment. “Although if it’s really important I don’t know why she didn’t give him your cell phone number right off the bat.”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I shrugged, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “Alright, well, I'm still in Chicago, so I’ll call him or drop by the precinct while I'm out and about.” I kept my tone neutral. I'd left a phone number with Welsh when I'd moved to San Francisco, just in case. I know that sounds unusual, but I wanted to be kept up to date on everything to do with my father's case; whether he had blurted out any other sort of confession or if he’d simply been moved to another part of the prison. Harding Welsh had promised to keep me updated, and he had. That being said, he wasn't the type of person to simply pick up the phone and talk about anything and everything. If he _had_ called, something must have happened. “I don't suppose Emily wrote down why he called?”

“It doesn't look like it. Maybe he didn't tell her,” Brian confirmed. “Any ideas?”

“One, and if I'm right in my assumption, I really don't want to be.”

“Sounds ominous,”  he told me. “Tell you what, I can ask Anna or Michael to look after Shawna for a few days and fly out if you like?”

“No, that’s okay, I’m here with Ray, and he used to work with Welsh. I’m sure he could help if I asked him to,” Ray poked his head around the corner from the kitchen and nodded. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. “Remember I told you about Ray?”

“I’m old but my memory is perfectly fine…”

“Shut up, you’re not old,” I shrugged my shoulder and trapped the phone against my ear so my hands were free. “And fishing for compliments is rude.”

He blasted out a laugh. “Okay, smartass. Are you still on your way to Arizona after you’re done in Chicago?”

“Absolutely. Damian and Barbara are expecting me on Thursday evening for dinner. I’ll get a flight home to Barbary Lane on Sunday.”

“Alright then. Safe trip. Say hi to Ray for me.”

“Will do, thanks Brian.” I hung up the phone and put it back in my pocket, shouting “Brian says hi!” as I did so.

“Hi back!” They both answered, and the chuckle that followed told me that happened quite often. “Pam?” It was just Ray this time.

“Yeah?”

“You need Welsh’s number? I heard you mention his name.”

“If you’ve got his cell number, that would be great. I’ve only ever had the desk phone,” I made my way back to the kitchen doorway, careful not to get in the way. “Apparently he called me at Barbary Lane, left a message with Emily. Not that she wrote it down, bless her heart.”

“Perhaps there wasn’t one,” Ben interjected. “Although perhaps this is better suited for the morning?”

“Welsh isn’t at his desk till eight in the morning.”

“Perfect, I’ll call him at nine,” I forced myself to briefly smile. “Besides, I’m sure he’s on his way home now…”

“Cell number…” Ray bolted from the kitchen to the closet, where he was digging in his pocket. Pulling out his wallet, he quickly searched and found the piece of paper. “Okay, Pam, pick up the phone. It’s…”

Ray rattled off the phone number and I dialed, my heart in my throat. As I’d told Brian, there was only one reason Welsh would have called me in San Francisco, and if this was what I thought it was…

“Hello, Harding Welsh here.”

“Hi, it’s… it’s Pam Coltrane calling.”

“Ah! You’re a hard woman to get a hold of,” I heard the unmistakable sound of a front door opening. “I used the number you gave me in San Francisco but someone else answered the phone.”

“Yeah, that was Emily.”

“That was _Emily?”_ I heard him cough to try and hide his surprise. “I haven’t seen her since she was real small, and you brought her in so I could meet her. How old is she now?”

“She turned twenty at the end of April.”

“Damn. Way to make a guy feel old.” I heard him going about his routine as we spoke. “Anyway, reason I called is, there’s some news I need to share with you.”

“Okay…” at the sound of my voice changing, both Ray and Ben appeared at my side. “Should we meet tonight?”

“Nah, it’ll keep until tomorrow morning. Not something to be talked about over the phone. How’s ten thirty for you?”

“Fine. Ten thirty is good. I’m on vacation so, no set plan.”

“Kowalski gave you the number, yeah?”

“How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess. Tell him to come too. And if the Mountie wants to come along, he’s welcome.”

“Will do, thanks Lieutenant.” I hung up and looked at both my hosts. “Are either of you two available at ten thirty tomorrow morning?”

“I can be. I’ll open the studio later.” Ray nodded, while Ben, unfortunately, had the early shift at the Consulate, and it was too short notice to switch.

“That’s alright, Ben, don’t worry. If anything, we can tell you about it once we get back. I really don’t like the sound of it, though. Welsh was being particularly vague.”

“Something to do with your dad?” Ray asked as gently as he could. He’d been there for the entire ordeal, including waiting with Damian in the hospital waiting room while I was in labour and the whole trial itself.

I resisted the urge to spit on the floor at the mention of my dad. “I have a sinking feeling that’s exactly what it’s about, and that's why he asked for you to come along, Ray. Why else would Welsh have called me in California?” I felt my shoulders start to shake.

I saw Ben nod as I turned to hide my face, and he stepped closer to me, gently putting his hand on my shoulder. “Would you like to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “We really talked about a lot tonight. I’m talked out, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear anymore right now.” Not sure this was strictly true. “What I’d really like right now is to drive back to my hotel, and go to sleep. If I do that, the quicker the morning is here, and the less I have to worry about it.”

So that’s what I did. I bid Ray and Ben a good night, kissed them both on the cheek, and drove back to my hotel room. The news had hit me like a ton of bricks, which was odd, because Welsh hadn’t actually told me anything yet. How could the mere thought of the news having something to do with my father cause such a reaction? I’d had twenty years to work through the emotions that came with memories of what had happened to me, and I thought I had. I guess I hadn’t really moved on as I thought I had.

 ooOoo

When Ray came to pick me up from my hotel the next morning, I had a horrible feeling of deja vu, when I'd first walked into the 27th precinct all those years ago. Right down to the blanket I'd wrapped myself in to keep warm. I could not stop shivering, nor stop my mind from racing to the worst possible scenario. Ray and I were both silent throughout the fifteen minute drive to talk with Welsh, and when we arrived, a knot formed in my stomach. Sitting down, I grabbed his hand for reassurance.

“So… how are you doing?” God… as sad as it was for me to see, the last twenty years had not been kind to Harding Welsh. There were deep wrinkles and crow’s feet that detailed a life devoted to police work. In asking me how I was, he was trying to break the tension in the room, but it wasn't going to happen. As soon as he saw the expression on my face, he abandoned all hope of trying to make me feel better. “Never mind. Anyway, the whole reason I called is because the prison where your dad is being held called me.”

I knew it. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“But why call you? What happened?”

“Apparently he's lying in the prison morgue with a big hole in his chest.”

Well, that was getting straight to the point, wasn't it? It didn’t seem real though. I blinked, and, surprisingly, the only thing that came out of my mouth was a blast of laughter. After the initial one, I couldn't stop myself. Shock, relief, happiness, and something I couldn't put a name to came bubbling to the surface, and there I was, laughing for a solid five minutes as Welsh and Ray looked at me in confusion.

“I can’t see how this might be funny, Pam…”

“Oh it is, you better believe it is, Lieutenant,” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “You don't know how long I've waited to hear you tell me news like this. I'm only sorry I didn't get to see who did it.” Ray handed me a tissue from his jacket pocket. “Do you know who did it? Can I shake their hand?”

“I didn't hear that,” Welsh turned his attention to Ray. “Did you hear anything, Kowalski?”

“Hear what, sir?”

“That's what I thought,” Welsh nodded. “You don't have to go and identify him if you don't want to, Pam. I just thought you should know.”

My laughter had dissipated to a few stray hiccups as I forced myself to calm down. Taking a deep breath, I rubbed my suddenly sweaty palms on my jeans. “So what happens now?”

“If no one claims him, then he's registered as a prison death and cremated.”

“Good. Do that. I'm not claiming him.”

Neither Welsh or Ray had anything to say about that. Why would I want to claim him, after what he'd done to me? God rot him for all I cared.

“Pam?” Ray’s voice sounded a million miles away. I turned my head to see him looking at me, concern furrowing his brow. “You okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn't I be?” I stood up and extended my hand to Welsh. “It's over. Twenty-four years of Hell and it's over. It’s finally over. He can't hurt us anymore.”

Welsh stood up and came around his desk. “Kowalski, can you give us a minute?”

Ray nodded and got up. As he closed the office door, Welsh put his hands on my shoulders, and silently drew me into a hug.

We stayed like that for at least a minute and a half. This would probably be one of the last times I saw Harding Welsh, and in truth, it was more than a little disheartening to know that I’d probably never see him again. The man had gone above and beyond, not giving up until he'd put my father behind bars. Of course, he insisted he hadn't done anything more than his duty.

“It was much more than duty,” I whispered against his broad shoulder. “You caught him and saved our lives. Emily and I are alive because of you.”

He didn’t say anything to that, instead let me go. “You keep in touch, you hear me?”

I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Of course.”

I left his office and made it out of the precinct before my knees buckled, Ray catching me before I ended up on the sidewalk.

 ooOoo

I woke up on my hotel room bed, Ray sitting in the corner, the room phone to his ear.

“Yeah, I'll stay with her for a while,” he said down the phone. “If you want to come meet us after work that's fine too.” I watched him as he waited for a response. “Right…” I noticed him nod. “I'm sure she won't mind, but I’ll ask when she's awake.”

I stretched and coughed to get his attention.

“She's just waking up now,” he told the person down the other end of the phone. “Talk to you soon. Love you too.”

I couldn't help smiling to myself as he hung up the phone. “Was that hard to say?”

“Not at all,” he smiled back at the mention of our shared phrase from when we were younger, our answer to any question that had to do with people we loved. “Returned to the land of the living, have you?”

“What happened?” My brain felt fuzzy and my limbs heavy, my mouth dry. “How'd I get back here?”

“You fainted, Pam,” Ray answered matter-of-factly. “I got you to the car and by the time we got here, you came around a bit and were only sleeping. So I unlocked the door and got you onto the bed. You've been out for about two hours.”

“That's it?” I pushed myself up on shaky arms and flopped right back down on the bed. “What about you? What have you been doing all by yourself?”

“Snooping through your bags.” He smirked.

“You have not!” I could always tell when he was joking.

“You're right, I haven't,” he reached over to the bedside table and held up my address book. “But this fell out of your purse, so I flipped it open and called Barbary Lane.”

Somehow it didn't feel like an invasion of privacy.

“Oh yeah? Did you talk to Emily?”

“She wasn't home, but I got a hold of Anna.”

“What did you think of her?”

Ray shrugged his shoulders. “She seems like a nice lady.”

I smiled at the mention of my landlady. She was certainly someone special, having known my story and not objecting to the fact that, if she took me on as a tenant, she'd have a former whore under her roof.

I sat up and brushed my hair out of my face. “Come out to San Francisco sometime soon and you can meet her yourself.”

“I might just.” He sat down beside me on the bed and put his arm around my shoulders. “Do you remember anything of what just happened?”

“It was a dream,” I insisted, rubbing my eye. “I remember Welsh telling me my dad died, but I'm sure that was part of the dream. I'm still dreaming now, because there's no way that's true.”

“No, not a dream.” He pinched the fleshy part of my arm, and I jumped. “There, see? Not a dream. He was telling the truth.” He kissed my temple, as though the five year silence between us was nothing. “You laughed for a good five minutes.”

“I don't remember that part,” I admitted.

“That can happen,” he answered. “You still feeling fuzzy?”

“Fuzzy?”

“When I got you back in here, you said your head and mouth felt fuzzy. I got you to drink water and then you fell right to sleep.”

“Oh okay,” I blinked and hung my head. “He's gone. Ray, I'm so relieved. He's gone. He can't hurt us anymore.”

“You mean he can't hurt _you_ anymore,” Ray whispered in my ear. “You're safe now, so is Emily. You don't have to keep running.”

“Five years in San Francisco isn't running,” I insisted, wishing very much that I could crawl into a hole for a few minutes for my stupidity. Because that's precisely what it was. I'd used the excuse of Emily needing a change to escape Chicago myself. There were a lot of painful memories in Chicago, but Ray and his parents were not one of them. I loved them all dearly, and being silent for five years was no way to repay their kindness.

My wayward thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Common sense told me Ben was on the other side of the door, and perhaps Abby had come along as well. But my heart was beating a million miles an hour, and, against my better judgement, I found myself wishing and hoping against hope that Ray had called Brian, and he'd flown out.

 _No,_ I chided myself. _No. Bad. Bad Pam. Brian is not on the other side of that door. You are not interested in Brian,_ _Brian is not interested in you. Brian is a friend, and friends don’t fly halfway across the country on the spur of the moment just because their friend fainted._

“Come on in,” Ray called without turning around, and, sure enough, Ben had come to see me, and, dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, he looked like Brian’s twin. Damn it, there I go again, wishing for things that I won’t ever get.

“Hey, where’s Abby?” Ray asked.

“She took Dief with her to visit Alexandra,” Ben stood off to the side, waiting for my permission to move closer. “She called me and told me not to worry, she’d look after him for tonight.”

“Oh good, that means there’s no rush.” I could hear the affection in Ray’s voice. “Wait, if Abby is visiting Alexandra, and I’ve got the car, did you walk here?”

“It wasn’t that bad, Ray. It only took about forty-five minutes.”

“Crazy Mountie,” he chided.

“I'm glad you're both here,” I interrupted, holding out my arm to Ben in invitation. I heard him step closer without looking. “God, what a day.” I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. I sniffed loudly, struggling to keep my composure. “He’s dead.”

“Who?” Ben asked.

“My father,” I managed, gulping air. When I’d gotten my breathing under control, I balled my hands into fists and hit my knees a few times. I stopped to gauge Ben’s reaction as Ray put a hand on my back. I saw a momentary grimace on his face. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I’ll stop if you don’t want to hear it.”

“It’s alright,” Ben leaned forward and took my hand in his, squeezing lightly in reassurance. What a sight we must have made. “If it needs to come out, I’ll listen.”

“That isn’t fair to you,” I insisted, losing my nerve as he let go of my hand. “It’s not fair to either of you, and Ray only knows what happened because his family was there to take me in when I fled.” I was talking to the floor now. “I’m so sorry.” I wiped at my eyes with the back of my free hand. “Sometimes I still get scared that my father could come after Emily and I. Which is stupid. He’s been in prison for over twenty years.”

“No it’s not,” Ben assured me. “If we weren’t scared once in a while, especially after something like that, we wouldn’t be human.”

“Do you know how often I wished I wasn’t human?” I choked and gulped air again. “I begged and pleaded to somehow be turned into a bird so I could fly far away from my father’s house,” I laughed once, knowing I sounded like Young Jenny in _Forrest Gump._ “It took me four years to get out, because no one believed me.”

“I did,” Ray rubbed circles on my back.

“Well by that point I was ten weeks pregnant and I’d all but moved into your parents’ house,” I sat up and squared my shoulders. “Now that I think about it, hiding in plain sight wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but once I worked up the courage to walk into the police station, life just turned on its head again. The arrest and trial took so long I started to wonder if the entire thing was worth it...”

 ooOoo

_I waited behind the glass at the 27th precinct, watching the parade of suspects, with Harding Welsh by my side. Damian and Ray were waiting back by his desk, in case they were needed afterward._

_“Now remember, Pam, you can see them, but they can’t see you,” his voice floated through the fog in my head. Welsh turned on the light, and the people in the line up were illuminated. I saw that my father had been the last one to walk in, and was holding a placard with the number 1 in front of his chest. “You don’t even have to say anything else. Just tell us which number.”_

_The blood was pounding in my ears, which caused my baby to start kicking as my heart rate increased. I gulped, staring at the parade of suspects on the other side of the glass. Hoping to stop the nausea that seemed to be starting, I put a hand on my belly and took a breath to steady myself. My father’s steely gaze, even though Welsh had said he couldn’t see me, seemed to be burning holes in my chest. He hadn’t shaved in quite a while, nor, from the looks of him, had a shower since he’d been arrested._

_“Take your time,” I heard Welsh off to the side, patiently waiting until I was ready._

_I gulped again and closed my eyes for a moment to steady myself. “Number one…” it came out as a squeak. I squared my shoulders and cleared my throat. “Number one.” I managed, this time more clearly._

_“You’re sure?” Welsh knew I was, but he needed to say it as part of procedure._

_“Yes,” I went along with it. “Number one.” I said my father’s name for emphasis._

_Welsh pushed the intercom button. “Number one, please step forward.”_

_He did, looking straight forward. As much as Welsh had insisted that he couldn’t see me on the other side, they was a look in my father’s eyes that told me he knew I was the one who had gone to the police. He snarled, gnashing his teeth in my direction. The intensity of the sound caused me to jump backward, stepping on Welsh’s toes._

_“I’m sorry Detective,” I muttered, regaining my balance._

_“Nah,” he waved off my apology. “My foot will heal fine.” He looked over at me and his expression changed. “You look white as a sheet,” he guided me back out toward his desk and had me sit down. “I’ll get you a glass of water.”_

_He returned two minutes later with the aforementioned glass, with Ray following behind. Without hesitation, he pulled me into a hug._

_“Dad’s bringing the car around to the front,” he whispered in my ear. “Did you do it?”_

_I nodded, letting him go and taking a sip of water. “I don’t know what happens next though.”_

_“We won’t need to see you again for quite a while,” Welsh answered me. “Now that we’ve got your positive identification, we’re gonna grill him. And after that, if we need to, we’ll search the house.”_

_I drew in a shaky breath. The mention of searching that house gave me both a sense of dread and a sense of peace. Finally, someone believed me._ Finally, _someone was going to do something about it. Finally, my father wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else._

_“Thank you, Detective Welsh,” I managed. “Can we go home now?”_

_“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he waved us off. “Thank you for your courage, Pam. You’ve done a good thing today.”_

_Strangely enough, it didn’t help me feel better._

 ooOoo

When I finished my story and looked back up again, both Ray and Ben were staring at me. Ben was wide-eyed, whereas Ray just looked sad.

What I didn’t understand is why Ben didn’t immediately get up and walk out in disgust, which he would have been justified in doing. I’m sure he had heard plenty of horror stories in his time as an RCMP officer, though he’d spent most of his time in the North, where I hope and pray there weren’t many instances and variations of my story. I didn’t think he’d expected to hear that I’d had to be the one to report the abuse, when school officials were trained to look for signs. Unfortunately for me, my father had been very clever in that regard. He kept the bruises where they couldn’t be seen by the naked eye, and soon after I started ninth grade, had pulled me out of  public school, saying that he wanted to home school me. After that, I guess no one suspected anything was wrong.

“We’d gone to court eleven months after I’d first made my statement,” I continued.   “Throughout the trial, my father's attorney had tried everything to convince the jury that my father was simply a misguided man who needed help, possibly rehab, not a jail cell. The man had been on a roll until the lawyer Damian and Barbara had hired on my behalf had brought out the pictures.

“I’d worked with my attorney to put the thing together, but I still hadn't expected the reaction and my own horror of what had actually happened and the toll it had taken on my body.” I paused for a second. “When I looked over my shoulder at you and Damian, Ray… God, the looks of shock and anger on your faces broke my heart.” I gulped.

Ray nodded and sniffed, quietly urging me to continue.

“I mean, I had _told_ you some of the things that had been going on, but you’d never actually seen the damage. Even when you and I had been in the motel room, I’d kept my shirt on. I hadn’t done that on purpose;  we were simply too wound up at the time.

“Anyway, by the time my lawyer had gotten to the photos that showcased the scars, burns, and the branding, which I still had on my hip, the judge could see the jury was visibly uncomfortable, and called for a recess. I wouldn’t have been surprised if some of them had gone into the washroom and lost their stomach contents.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Frankly, I wasn’t sure how how my father’s attorney could continue to defend him, but all in all, everyone deserves a fair trial.”

“They have the _right_ to a fair trial, it doesn’t mean they deserve it,” Ray whispered.

“Maybe not, but in the end, it took the jury less than seven hours to decide on a guilty verdict, and my father was later sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole for twenty-five years. Granted, I hadn’t been so enthused about the twenty-five year stipulation. If I’d had any say in it, I’d have argued for the death penalty. Alas, we can’t always get what we want.” Or then again, maybe you do. My father had died in prison. He would never come after me again.

Once I’d finished speaking, I realized that my hand was now resting over the branding on my hip, and I was suddenly more aware of the raised flesh than I’d been in years.

Good Lord, how had a simple trip to Chicago to ask for my best friend’s advice turned into _this?_

I waited until Ray exhaled before I dared to speak again.

“So there you have it,” I addressed Ben, seeing as Ray already knew all this. “I don’t know why I told you all this, it’s not as though you knew me back then.”

“No, that’s true enough,” Ben answered, although I’m not sure he really believed me when I said I didn’t know why. “That story needed to come out. What happened then is then, it is not something to be ashamed of.”

Oh thank God, I was secretly hoping he’d say that, but there was a part of me that still doubted the sincerity in his voice. I’d just shared something that very few people knew about, and I’d been very wary of sharing with anyone else until now.

“Many people did, “ I decided to push him, to see if he really _was_ sincere. “ Even in the courtroom throughout the trial, the defense attorney kept trying to paint me as a slut who couldn’t keep her legs closed and had had three abortions _because_ I made my money on my back,” I tried to hold a sob in. “To him, I was a serial abortionist on top of being a whore.”

The look on Ben’s face told me he was smart enough to see that I’d issued a challenge. Go on, now that you know _this_ about me, tell me you don’t judge me for it.

Ben didn’t let silence my pause had created settle between us. “And at this point, you’d already given birth?”

“Yes indeed,” I confirmed. “That court date was in July, and Emily was just shy of three months old. I’d had the option of terminating or adopting her out, but it just wasn’t the right choice for me.”

I saw Ben’s shoulders tense. I wondered if he’d had to fight to keep Abigail as well, though probably not in the same way.     

“So I did the only thing I knew, and that was be a parent.” I chuckled lightly. “Right. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. How could I be a parent when my own parents were dicks?”

Ben twitched slightly. “What about your mother?”

“My mother abandoned me when I was eight, and by the time I was thirteen, she stopped all communication.” I felt a tear fall from my eye, and Ray very gently caught it on his finger. “At least I didn't have to do it alone. I had the Kowalski’s support. Emily even called Ray Daddy for the first two years.”

“Neither of us minded,” Ray cut in. “Especially since she grew out of it before she turned three. She’s called me Uncle ever since.”

Ben nodded, and I had to wonder why he wasn’t shocked at the revelation. “I’m assuming Emily didn’t know otherwise?”

“Nope. I have no idea who Emily’s biological father is,” I answered the question as honestly as I could. “I tried figuring it out for a bit, especially while I was pregnant, but in the end I stopped caring. Emily is no one’s daughter but mine.”

“Understood.”

Ray moved his free hand to my back, rubbing small circles. “We may have helped but she knows who did the heavy lifting in raising her.”

I smiled briefly.

“You did good, Pam.”

I managed another small smile, already feeling a bit better. “I put all my energy into being a good mother, making sure that she had a good life, that she learned about how giving love to someone, whether it’s through friendship or otherwise, it’s all valid and it’s all important.”

I felt Ray nod. “And when was the last time you let love in, Pam?”

Oh shit. He wasn’t outright calling me a hypocrite, but I heard it in his voice, and I knew exactly what he was referring to. I’d said earlier that the last time I’d had a lover was when I was seventeen, and I’d stopped entertaining the idea of romance ever since.

“Twenty years,” I muttered, lowering my face into my hands. “I don’t know how to anymore.”

“Yes you do,” Ben said quietly. “I don’t think you would have said anything about Brian if you didn’t want to open your heart to him.”

“Brian’s my friend, Ben, I’m sure he doesn’t think of me in any other way.”

“Wait a minute,” Ray leaned forward so that I had to look him in the eye. “Didn’t you say earlier that you don’t think of _him_ that way?”

Fuck.

“Six of one, half dozen of the other,” I insisted.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.”

“Have you asked him?”

“ _How?”_ My heart was racing. “His first marriage ended in disaster. They’d been married for three years when their friend died after giving birth and left them a note, asking that he and Mary Ann, that’s his ex-wife, raise the baby. After four years of being Mommy, she got tired of it and left them both behind. He told me she wants nothing to do with them at this point, and probably never will again.”

“So he’s a bit wary of a relationship, same as you are?”

“Well, he and Mary Ann were mismatched in every way, and their marriage wasn’t healthy by the end of it, but I cannot understand how you could just _leave_ your child behind,” I was on a roll now. “It doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone leave their child if they didn’t have to?” I paused for a moment to catch my breath. “Aside from all that, what could I possibly offer him? I’m a former whore who wouldn’t know what a healthy romance was if it jumped up and bit me! Of all the people he could be with, I can guarantee you he doesn’t want me.”

“Has he said as much?”

“No,” the word was out of my mouth before I could stop it. “If I’m being honest, he’s never actually mentioned anything of the sort.”

“It sure _sounds_ like he offered to come out here and help if he could, and you turned him down.”

Suddenly, something clicked in my brain. Well, aren’t I just _so_ smart? “Jesus Christ, I’m a fool.”

“What?”

“You’re right. He did offer to fly out here when I called yesterday, after he gave me the message about Welsh.” Wait a minute, did that actually mean what Ray was implying? Brian actually _did_ like me and I was just denying myself? God, listen to me, I sound like a twelve-year-old child with her first crush. To hide my quickly reddening complexion, I sprang up off the bed and went to grab the phone.

“Hey, you might want to hold off on calling home for a couple of hours.”

“What? Why?”

When I turned around again, I caught Ben and Ray smirking at each other.

“Just a hunch,” Ray’s eyes were twinkling with mischief.

“Wait a minute, when you had my address book earlier, you didn’t just talk to Anna, did you?”

“Who, me?” Ray answered, sounding like a child who’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “What makes you think I did anything besides talk to Anna?”

“Oh you did _something_ else _,_ Ray Kowalski. You have that look on your face.”

They both smirked at me.

“I think we’d better head home,” Ray suddenly stood up. “It’s been a long day, and you could use some downtime, huh?”

Okay, _now_ I was truly starting to panic. What had he done? To hide it, I pulled him in for a hug. “Thank you, Ray, truly. I don't know what I would have done without you there today.”

“Always,” he kissed my cheek. “Just don't go to sleep quite yet, if that’s what you were planning on doing.” Of course, he mentioned this just as he moved out of the way to let Ben say goodnight.

The two of them left a few minutes later, telling me to call if I needed anything.

Just as I was about to ignore his advice to wait and punch in the home phone number to let everyone at Barbary Lane know what had happened, there was a knock at the door.

 ooOoo

“I’m not sure we should have done that, Ray, ” Ben said as he climbed into the passenger seat of the GTO and we headed back to the apartment. “With Pam so vulnerable right now, should we have invited Brian out here without telling her?”

“Not logically, but call it a Kowalski hunch.”

“A what?”

“He’s who she needed to see, Ben,” I insisted. “As much as she likes to think that she hasn’t been running from her feelings and hiding herself away for the past twenty years, I know she has, and she needed a little kick in the ass to set things straight. If she’s not going to set the ball in motion, I damn well will.”

“Ray,” he interjected. “Why are you so set on having Pam actually talk to Brian now? Couldn’t it have waited until she was back in California?”

“Knowing her, she’d still do nothing about it, and both of them would be miserable,” I turned a corner sharply. “You heard the way she talked about him, both of us did. He could be good for her, and she for him, but has she said anything to him? Of course not, because she’s never felt like she’s deserved it. And she _does_.”

We pull into the parking lot and get out of the car. As nice as the GTO is, it’s a little cramped and confining at the end of the day. “Besides, she’s definitely worthy of falling in love.” We walk up the stairs back to the apartment. “She just never gave herself the chance, after Emily was born. Pam’s our age, Ben, but she might as well have lived a thousand lifetimes with the upbringing she had.”

“Indeed. And I am terribly sorry she had to endure such,” Ben was trying to be delicate, since I’m sure he was still in a bit of shock. He’d probably heard or handled plenty of cases like Pam’s when he was still living up North, but it didn’t mean he was immune to the feelings that came with hearing about it, and Pam had told him _a lot_. I knew all of it, since I’d been involved with the court case from the very beginning, but sometimes, as Pam said, the details can still creep up on us. “Although one thing still troubles me. If Brian doesn’t know this about her…”

“I have a feeling he’s going to hear it tonight,” I turned the key in the lock and opened the door to a dark and empty apartment. I blinked, needing a moment to get my bearings. Right, Ben had mentioned that Abby was staying overnight with her friend Alexandra and that she was taking care of Dief. Any other time we had the apartment to ourselves for the night, I would have insisted that Ben strip naked and wait for me in the bedroom, but tonight, we were both worn out.

“Hey…” I heard myself whisper. My throat sounded scratchy, like I hadn’t spoken all day. “Do you think we could just…” I froze as Ben continued his routine, locking the front door and hanging up his flannel and lining up his boots just so. “Can we just hang out on the couch for a while?”

“Of course we can,” Ben looked over at me with concern. “Ray, are you alright?”

I bit down on my lip and shook my head. I’d done everything I could do for Pam all day, and, although I’d said I’d known all about Pam’s past, it didn’t stop the sudden flood of relief on her behalf once I’d found out her father was dead.

Ben closed the gap between us and led me over to the couch. He sat down, got comfortable, grabbed a couch pillow, and laid it across his lap. I followed his lead and laid my head on the pillow, closing my eyes.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Ben whispered, as though there were other people in the apartment and this was something that wasn’t meant for them to hear. And in a way, it felt almost like a confessional. “You don’t have to have your eyes open for this part. If it’s easier to tell me and not look at me while you do, that’s okay.”

So that’s what I did. I interlaced my fingers on my stomach and just started talking.

 ooOoo

_It was really late at night, and I’d just gotten out of the shower and was rubbing my hair with the towel when there was furious knock at the door. With my parents away for the weekend, I thought maybe it was one of my buddies from the gym dropping something off. Maybe I'd lost something out of my bag on my way home._

_I opened the door to find my friend Pam on the other side, looking tired and a bit panicky._

_“Hi Ray,” I could tell she was fighting to catch her breath. “I’m sorry to drop by with no notice, but, could I come in?”_

_“Yeah,” I was too shocked to do anything but let her in. Dressed in a t-shirt and shorts with an older pair of running shoes, she looked exhausted.  “Come on in. Do you want something to eat? Or something to drink?”_

_She flopped down on the couch and looked up at me like I’d just offered her the moon._

_“Do you have any toast?” Her voice was very small._

_“You sure you just want toast?” I asked as I pushed the sleeves on my sweatshirt up around my elbows and pulled open the fridge. “I’m not so great at cooking but I think my Mom left some soup to heat up.”_

_"Is it chicken?” Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree._

_My God, what had happened to her that she got excited over the prospect of chicken soup?_

_“I think so,” I grabbed the container and set it on the counter. Grabbing a bowl from the cupboard, I opened the lid and sniffed at it. “Yep, chicken and potato dumpling. Is that okay?”_

_“That’s perfect,” she waited silently as I stuck the bowl in the microwave and poured her a glass of water. As the soup finished in the microwave, I made myself some toast so she wouldn’t have to eat alone. "Thank you.”_

_“You’re welcome,” I bit into my toast and chewed as she lifted her spoon and began to eat. “Are you okay, Pam?”_

_“Yeah, I’m okay,” I’m not sure I believed her but I had to pretend I did. “Is it alright if I stay here tonight? I won’t be any trouble.”_

_“Yeah, that’s okay,” I mumbled around the toast in my mouth. “Did you want to sleep in my room?”_

_Her eyes bugged out of her head. “Um… I don’t always sleep very well and I wouldn’t want to wake you up. Can I sleep on the couch?”_

_“Sure, I’ll grab you an extra pillow and blanket after we finish here.”_

_So that’s want happened. After we finished our food, I got her a pillow, an extra toothbrush, and a blanket and set her up for the night. She gave me a kiss goodnight and we both went off to bed._ _When I woke up in the morning, she’d gone, the pillow and blanket neatly folded._

 ooOoo

“Of course, being sixteen, I didn’t think anything about it, other than it was a bit weird for her to show up and leave again so quick. Then I didn’t hear from her for a year, until she ran into the gym,” I continued. Ben was strangely quiet, one hand ghosting over my hair and temples, the other rubbing circles over the back of my hands, which were still lying across my stomach. “When I met her at the hospital, I…” I bent my head slightly and gulped. “I felt horrible for not having said something after she’d come to see me that night. I could have gotten her out before things got worse. Fuck, I’d never _seen_ someone so badly beaten. The doctors had sedated her by the time I got there, and I slept in a chair by her bed all night. Didn’t even tell my parents where I was until the next day.”

Still quiet, he stopped playing with my hair, instead running a finger down my cheek. Simple touches, much appreciated.

“When they came to get me, Pam needed someone to sign her out of the hospital, and as soon as I let slip that she was pregnant, it was a done deal. She was coming home with us and that was the end of it.” But it hadn’t been. “She slept on the couch again the first night, and in my room every night after that. Door open, of course, because those were my parents’ rules. She was so _sick_ the first part of her pregnancy, Ben. She practically lived on dry toast and water, occasionally potato and vegetable or chicken soup until her fifth or sixth month. I think I remember the doctor saying it was because she’d been so badly abused.”

“I understand, Ray…” he whispered. “She slept in your room because she felt safe.”

“She’d be crying in her sleep, begging whoever it was that haunted her dreams to be gentle. That she’d be good…” Damn. I’d suppressed that memory long ago. “A couple of times she woke up screaming, pleading with her dad not to come into her bed that night. To let her have some sleep…” I felt my shoulders tense. “And I couldn’t do anything to help her. I couldn’t make the nightmares stop.”

“But you _did_ help her,” Ben exerted gentle pressure on my hands, making me wince slightly. “You and your family took her in, gave her shelter, showed her love and kindness…” I was getting so worked up my head felt like I was underwater. “You said yourself, you were with her throughout the whole trial. You and your parents helped her raise her daughter. It sounds to me like you did a lot to help her.”

“Then why do I feel like shit right now, Ben? Her dad’s dead, and she’s dealing with it better than I am. I never even met the bastard.”

“Because he did immeasurable harm to someone you love.”

Damn it, for a moment I’d forgotten how observant Ben is.

“Well yeah, I did love Pam.” I continued. “Hell, she’d been the first person I’d had sex with, in the motel room.”

“What happened?” Ben prompted.

“You sure you want to hear it? I don’t think I’ve ever asked you about the first time you and June had sex.”

“You already know that story,” he threaded his fingers through my hair again and massaged my scalp. God, I loved when he did that. “But your first time having sex is oftentimes a monumental occasion, an important part of getting older…”

“So you’re saying that it’s okay for me to tell you?”

“It is, if you _want_ to tell me about it,” Ben insisted. “So how did you and Pam end up in the motel room?”

“Oh God,” I moaned as he massaged my scalp again. “If you keep doing what you’re doing I may not be able to get the whole story out.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Fuck no…” I took a deep breath. “Pam and I had just gotten into a huge fight and I’d gone out for a walk, and of course, that’s when it started raining.”

“Let me guess, you hadn’t taken an umbrella?”

“What seventeen year old remembers an umbrella when they’re so angry they can’t see three feet in front of them?”

“True enough,” he bent his head and kissed me quickly. “So you left the house to calm down and you forgot an umbrella…”

“Right, and then a few minutes later, Pam comes around the corner driving the damn GTO. I think I was more angry at the fact that she was driving my car than I was about the fight itself. Sweet Jesus, Ben!” I rolled over and laid on my stomach on top of him. My dick certainly liked _that_ just as much as the scalp massage. “We shouted at each other through the window, both of us getting soaked, until finally she just got out of the car and told me to drive because it was my car.” I leaned forward and kissed him again.

Ben rocked his hips up to meet mine in response. “Go on, what happened next?”

“I pushed the gas pedal to the floor and we found a motel that rented by the hour with cash and didn't ask questions. Pam and I certainly were not the first teenagers the front desk jockey had ever seen so I don't think they really cared. Neither did we. Pam and me were so wound up we unlocked the room door and didn’t even make it to the bed. We had frantic make-up sex right on the floor.”

My body felt fifteen different kinds of confused. I was telling the man I love about the first time I’d had sex, and after a  _grueling_ day for all of us. I should _not_ have been feeling like I wanted to jump his bones when just a few minutes ago, we’d been talking about death.

“Technically, that wasn’t really the first time we’d fooled around, but I guess neither of us ever counted the hand jobs she gave me in the car or the time we’d been on a picnic together and she’d let me bury my face between her thighs before that as actual sex.” I couldn’t stop the chuckle that rose out of my throat, as I sat up and put my feet on the floor. “But you know as well as I do that sex doesn’t equal love, oftentimes sex is just sex. There are so many different kinds of love, and with Pam... I don’t quite know what to call it.”

“Very deep friendship, Ray.” Ben didn’t seem perturbed that I’d just confessed all this to him. “From what you’re describing, you and Pam have a very real friendship that has developed over the past twenty years, especially since she mentioned that her daughter used to call you Daddy.”

“That was only because she didn’t know any better,” I answered. “She’s never had her biological father in her life, and that’s partly because Pam has no idea what the guy’s name was.” I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. “Although that’s not really Pam’s fault, either. He was just some guy who paid to have sex with her, he didn't exactly leave a calling card.” I felt Ben’s hand on my back. “I just don’t want her to keep herself from being happy now that Emily’s grown up and nearly moved out on her own. Pam deserves to find happiness.”

“Have you told her that?”

“Why do you think I asked Brian to come out here?”

“But not explicitly?”

“No, because that won’t work. You've seen how defensive she is about the whole idea of her and Brian. If I _tell_ her, then she’ll find a way to talk herself out of it and convince herself, once again, that she doesn’t deserve it. If I take the extra step, and basically give her a choice, especially now that Brian’s either on his way or already here, then she’ll have to come to terms with the fact that she’s been hiding.”

I felt the change in Ben’s body language, and heard him snicker. “Well done.” He lifted my chin and caught my lips in a kiss. Gentle, not passionate.

Not enough. With Ben, it was never enough. There were so many things I wanted and loved to do with him, but tonight, despite what my body had been begging for only a few minutes earlier, I don’t think either of us were up to anything more than just getting up from the couch and heading straight to bed.

So that’s what we did. We pulled back the blanket and laid down. Ten minutes later, we were both asleep.

 ooOoo

Brian sat on my bed, stunned. He looked like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d known that I’d come out to Chicago to talk to Ray about possibly buying Barbary Lane, but he hadn’t known anything about the court case and my father being in prison. But now that I’d told him everything, I was absolutely certain that he was going to jump over to the other side of the room, just to get away from me.

I thought he’d start demanding to know why I hadn’t said anything before now, or even that he’d back out of the house sale completely, telling me that he couldn’t work with someone who didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth about their past.

Instead, he simply sat frozen in place, blinking, trying to understand exactly what I’d just told him, and whether or not he believed me. You wouldn’t think to look at me that anything like what I’d just described had happened. The only physical evidence were the tattoos and the branding, and those were hidden under my clothes. Brian had never seen me bare enough skin to actually see anything unless I showed him.

The silence in the room was deafening. In order to remedy that, I took the first step. I put my hand on his thigh, squeezing gently.. Surprisingly, he didn’t recoil like I’d just poked him with a large stick. I hoped that was a good sign.

“You in there?” I asked, my hands shaking.

“I…” he swallowed, lifting the hand I had on his thigh to his lips. “Will you show me?”

“Show you what?” I urged. The fact that he was _this close_ to kissing my knuckles had me shaking even harder. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t run out the door.

Whatever fears and doubts we both had, we weren’t going to get anywhere if he didn’t just ask what he wanted to ask. “You said he branded you?” He brought my hand down, but still did not let go.

“Yes,” I tried to be nonchalant, pretend that it didn’t matter anymore. But I had no doubt that he could feel my hand still trembling as he held it in his. “It’s still there. I just never had the money to book a surgeon to remove it, and after a while I barely noticed it.”

“Will you let me see it?” He repeated. I barely heard him speak, he’d said it so quietly.

My heart jumped into my throat, and my hand retreated as though I’d been burned. By the time he’d turned his body so that we were now face to face, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes.

“No one has ever asked me that before,” I admitted. “You’re sure you want to? It isn’t pretty.”

He nodded.

I sighed, turned toward him, and lifted my shirt up and leaned back. It was the only way he’d be able to see it fully. But in doing so, holding that position was not at all comfortable.

“Here, this will make it easier to see,” I lifted my shirt off, lifted the hem of my skirt and leaned back further so that I was lying across the bed. Somehow, being half-naked in front of Brian felt more intimate than anything I’d done before.

Brian was silent as he laid down on his stomach beside me. I felt his eyes going up and down, taking in the myriad of scars and tattoos. When his gaze drifted to my hip, where the brand had been hidden, I heard him gasp.

“Can I…” his voice was thick with emotion.

“Yeah,” I nodded, closing my eyes as his fingers, calloused and rough from years of working at the greenhouse, ghosted over the raised flesh. This time, though, it set my nerves on fire and my stomach gave an uncharacteristic happy flip-flop. He was taking his time, being gentle.

“I’m so sorry, Pam,” he was whispering now, as though he was scared to break the spell that had been cast upon the motel room.

“It isn’t your fault,” I whispered back, relishing the feeling of his hands trailing from my hip and further up my body. My breath hitched again as his hands found the straps on my bra. “Brian…”

“What is it?” he stayed his hands immediately.

“It’s just…” I fought to get the words out of my mouth. “It’s just been quite a while.”

“How long?” he moved his hands from my shoulders, caressing my arms. If I didn’t know any better, both from my own observations and conversations with Anna Madrigal, I would never have thought that Brian, much like Ray, communicated through touch.

“Over twenty years,” I admitted, still whispering, turning my head in an attempt to hide. “Since before Emily was born. After that, it wasn’t a priority. I didn’t want it.”

“And now?” He ran a knuckle softly down my cheek.

“I truly don’t know,” I insisted, turning to face him again. “On the one hand, yes, because it's been twenty years. On the other, I don't know what to expect anymore.”

“You mean, you don't think I’d listen to what you want, simply because others didn't?”

“No. I only mean that, with my experience, can you blame me for being a little apprehensive?”

Brian shook his head.

I was starting to shake again. The ghosts in the room would simply not let me rest, and I was determined not to let them have such a hold of me anymore. Even still, twenty years of habit is hard to break.

“God, Brian, this is so stupid. I’m so sorry.” Why was there suddenly not enough air in the room?

Brian froze. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Pam.”

“Yes I do,” I sat up and Brian followed suit. “I know you didn’t come out here expecting to hear what I told you, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know what Ray said to you, but…” I took in a deep breath to steady myself. “This is something new between us, and I’m terrified.”

“What are you scared of?” he reached over and put an arm around my shoulder. Good, that was good. I could handle that for now.

“That I’m going to disappoint you,” I stopped myself from hiding my face in my hands.

Once I’d said that, he looked like he’d been hit by a freight train, his mouth open in shock.

“We don't have to do anything you don't want to, I won't be disappointed.”

Jesus Christ, how did he know exactly what I needed to hear?

“But how do you know that? _I_ don’t even know that,” I was getting lost in my own head. “The only thing I know right now is that I want to have sex, but I can’t bring myself to ask you if you want to too. Fucking hell, Brian, I’m sitting in my bra and underwear in a hotel room and all I can think about is how much I want to get naked and climb on top of you…”

I was as shocked as he seemed to be. I’d just finished telling him that I hadn’t had a lover in over twenty years, about how apprehensive I was about the possibility of sex between the two of us, and suddenly _that_ had spilled out of my mouth?

He cleared his throat. “Then why don’t you?”

My mouth dropped open in shock. Had he really just said what I _thought_ he’d said?

“Is that okay? Because I really want to.”

“Yes,” he nodded, and, keeping his eyes on me, lifted his own shirt up and off. “Fast or slow, it’s completely up to you.”

I gasped, placed my hand in the middle of his chest, and pushed him backward onto the bed.

There was definite lust in his eyes as I straddled his hips and bent down to kiss him. I was kissing hard enough to bruise his mouth, and I _liked_ it.

 ooOoo

I had woken up in the middle of the night underneath Ben’s arm, heart racing as I tried to open my eyes. There was something big lurking in the shadows, maybe Pam’s dad, and it was coming for me. I kicked my legs out from under the blanket, the air in the room too stifling. I knew that if I didn’t run from what was in the shadows, and run _now_ , it was going to kill me. I hadn’t had to meet Pam’s dad to know that he was bad news, especially if he was a coke fiend, and I’d seen plenty of coke fiends in my time.

I had no choice. I had to run.

So I did. I ran as fast as I could away from the figure in the shadows, and suddenly dropped over the edge of a cliff.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was lying on the floor. Still breathing heavily, I very slowly sat myself up and forced my eyes to focus. Ben was already around the bed and sitting beside me on the floor.

“Ray, Raymond, Ray ... obudź się. Obudź się. To tylko zły sen.”

I hadn't known he knew how to speak Polish. My grandmother had done the same thing when I was little, very quietly telling me to wake up, that it was a only a bad dream, over and over again, until I’d actually wake up. Then, she’d rock me until I’d calm down enough to drink a glass of milk, and then she’d tuck me back into bed.

When I _did_ wake myself up fully, Ben stopped speaking. He simply reached up onto the bed, grabbed my pillow, and positioned it on his legs.

I found I had just enough strength to lay my head on said pillow, turn myself over, and bury my face into the fabric of Ben’s nightshirt, holding onto my lover around the torso for dear life. Once a sob escaped my throat, I couldn’t stop himself. It’d been a _very_ long time since I’d had nightmares, probably not since me and Ben had found the evidence to exonerate Beth Botrelle, and now they were starting again.

Through the fog in my head, I could hear Ben now whispering soft Inuktitut. He’d often done this with Abby when she’d had nightmares, so it was no wonder he’d try it with me as well. And damn it, it worked, even though I didn't really know what the words meant. He rocked me back and forth until the tears stopped. Once I’d calmed down, I looked up, my eyes now adjusted to the minimal light in the room, to see Ben staring right back at me.

“Hi,” I managed, my voice thick. I needed to blow my nose and clear my throat at the same time.

“Hi,” he answered, anticipating my need as he reached up and grabbed a couple of tissues from the bedside table. No handkerchiefs right now, because why would anyone have a cotton handkerchief in their pajamas. He placed a double layer of tissues over my nose and mouth. “Blow.”

I did, not at all perturbed that Ben was wiping my nose for me, as though I were a little kid again.

“Better?” he asked as he folded the tissues and tossed them in the wastebasket.

I nodded, and reached up to cup his cheek. “I love you, Ben.”

I saw him smile. “I love you too,”  he leaned into my touch. “What happened?”

I told him about the dream, about how scared I’d been, and how sure I’d been that this shadowy figure was going to kill me. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see who or what it was. Apparently the only way I was going to survive was if I made the decision to step off the edge of a cliff.

Okay, that wasn’t the _complete_ truth, but it was something.

“I don’t know where it came from,” I continued. “I only wanted to help her, Ben. What if I didn’t do enough? The shadows were coming for me, screaming that I’d fucked everything up, that they’d kill me for taking away their food supply, for destroying everything they’d built. I don’t even know what I _did._ ”

“It’s alright, Ray,” Ben shushed me, making me sit up so that he could kiss me. “Nightmares don’t always make sense.”

“But what did I _do?”_ I was shaking now. “Tell me what I did, Ben.” I begged him.

“You saved Pam Coltrane’s life,” he took my hand and kissed my fingertips. “And you saved Emily Coltrane’s life, even if she doesn’t know that,” he continued down my hand, one finger at a time. “You came into my life and showed me that I could love again after losing my wife,” he shifted closer and ran his tongue up the side of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “You’re a good man, Ray Kowalski, and I’m lucky to have the privilege to love you.”

I turned my head and crushed my lips to his, trying to tell him what I needed without actually saying so. I pushed him backward and silently begged him for everything he could give me, for what we hadn’t been able to have earlier. Not that either of us were silent. We had the apartment to ourselves for the night, and made good use of it.

By the end of the night, the bedroom floor was littered with discarded blankets, pillows, and towels. We’d showered together a few times throughout the night, and subsequently discovered that shower sex was something we should have tried a long time ago. Now, after both having a piss and washing up, we were lying on top of the bed again, the bedroom window open just enough to let the breeze in.

“Better?” Ben whispered as he curled up behind me, big spoon to little spoon.

I nodded against the pillow and shifted back toward him, wanting him as close as possible.

When I went back to sleep, there were no more nightmares.

 ooOoo

My ears rang as I flopped down on the bed. My entire body felt like jelly, wiggly and boneless, but damn if that wasn’t the best feeling in the world right at that very moment.

I knew this was monumentally different from what Ray and I had shared all those years ago, and a million miles away from what I'd done to survive before that. Brian knew what he was doing, certainly, but he'd gone slowly, listening to my body and letting me set the pace. He hadn't seemed particularly interested in anything other than letting me do what I wanted. That wasn't to say that he hadn't been _willing_ , just more than happy to let me take the lead.

I just wish that the experience I had hadn't come at such a price, but there was little I could do about that now. Instead, I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the glass of water I'd placed there just before Brian had knocked on the door. I sipped at it and settled into the bed for a few seconds before turning my head to see Brian smiling at me.

I smiled back, kissed him soundly, and sat up.

“Wha--?”

“I've gotta pee,” I answered, getting off the bed and walking very slowly toward the bathroom. “Promise I’ll be right back.”

“Mm hmm,” Brian nodded and briefly closed his eyes, one arm raised and wrapped around his head. In truth, he looked thoroughly relaxed and happy.

As I shut the bathroom door, I took a moment to look in the mirror before I sat on the toilet. To my surprise, I looked exactly the same as I had an hour before, just… I was _smiling_

Any other time I’d done this, aside from when Ray and I were together, I’d sprinted from wherever I’d been and into the bathroom, performing only what was necessary to make sure I wouldn’t develop any issues from not taking care of myself. Now, though, here with Brian, I could take my time. I didn’t have to worry about whether he’d get impatient and possibly demand his money back. As far as I could tell, he was too tired and satisfied to do anything other than try to get a few minutes of sleep.

I turned to the side and looked in the mirror again. Running a hand down my body, I relished the feeling of having made love with Brian, not just had sex. My body suddenly felt _alive_ , as though I’d flipped a switch back on.  

I wanted to do it again, as soon as possible.

Once I’d splashed water on my face and wrists to try and cool down, I walked back out to find Brian in the same position I’d left him in, the blanket wrapped around his waist.

“Hey stranger,” I whispered as I climbed back into the bed, kissed his chest and took a deep breath. “Mmm… you smell good.”

“Thanks, gorgeous,” Brian wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah,” I burrowed into his chest. “Like I’ve just been hit by a lightning bolt.” I’m not sure that made sense, and I saw him smirk as I attempted to form a coherent sentence. “Anyone ever tell you you’re brilliant?”

“Not in bed, but I’ll take that compliment,” he turned his head and kissed me. “Although you shouldn’t ignore your own prowess, Pam. Seeing you come that hard was the most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen.”

“That was twenty years of pent-up energy spilling over,” I insisted. “Although I’m wondering something.”

“What’s that?”

“What’s this mean for us?” Perhaps that was a little too obtuse, judging from the shocked look on his face. “In terms of buying Barbary Lane, I mean.”

“You still want to?”

“Ray thinks it’s a good idea, seeing as if we do, there’s the maintenance of the house cut in half, and none of us have to move.”

Brian nodded. “Makes sense, but Ray’s not the one who got the offer.”

“True enough, but what does that have to do with it?”

“I want to hear you tell me whether or not _you,_ Pam Coltrane, want to buy Barbary Lane.”

I should have known Brian would pick up on something like this. He was very perceptive.

“Yes, I’d like to.” Oh my God, I’d just said yes to buying a house! “I’m scared as all get out to say so, but yes I do want to buy it.”  

“For what it’s worth, I’d still like to as well,” he continued. “It’s been quite a while since I had a place to call my own, and Barbary Lane has a mystique about it.”

“A mystique?”

“Anna once mentioned that an old house has a way of choosing the people it wants,” Brian pulled me closer. “There’s something about certain people that the house senses, makes it say ‘Yep, I like these ones’, and once you’re there, even if you move later, the spirit of the house never fully leaves you.”

“In terms of you still wanting to buy the house, it’s worth a lot. I don’t think I could handle it alone.” I cuddled in as close as possible so there was no room between us. “And what you said about the house choosing who it wants, that’s a beautiful way to think about it,” I placed another kiss on his chest. “I felt that way the first time Anna showed me the place.”

“Maybe that’s why she offered it to us.”

“Could be.” This still seemed too easy. After everything I’d just told him, how did I know he wasn’t going to change his mind once the adrenaline had worn off? “But then, what does this mean for us? Are we buying the house together as friends? Or lovers?”

He went quiet, and I could feel a bit of tension creeping back into his body. “That’s up to you.”

“No, it’s up to _us,”_ I insisted. “If either one of us isn’t sure about the house-buying aspect or the fact that ‘we’ve just slept together and it could become something more if we let it’ aspect, then maybe we should walk away from the offer completely.”

“We?”

“I mean, I don’t want to do that,” I continued, bracing myself up on my elbow to look him in the eye. “I love that house. I love the family Anna’s created there. It’s the only place I’ve ever truly felt at home. I don’t want to lose it if we buy it and then something happens and all of a sudden we decide we can’t continue as either partners or lovers. What happens then?”

“Hey, hey,” he moved closer and gently folded me into a hug. “We don’t know if or when that would happen, because we haven’t given it a chance yet.” He moved his hand up and down my back. “I’d like us to take it slowly, and see where it goes. Can we at least give it a try, before we dismiss it completely?”

I craned my neck to look him in the eye again, and nodded as I kissed him, the sound loud in my ears.

“Okay,” he whispered into my hair and sighed. “Did you still want to head to Arizona to ask his parents about it?”

“Huh?” I’d gotten lost in my own thoughts again.

He repeated the question.

“A part of me still thinks I should, because they are more my family than my biological parents ever were.” I reasoned. “Like Anna says, you have your logical family, meaning your family by choice,  and your biological family, right?”

Brian nodded and let me continue.

“So Ray and his parents are my first logical family. I’d like their advice before you and I sit down with Anna and accept the offer.” I stretched and sighed as I settled back under the blanket. “Why don’t you come with me?”

Brian turned over onto his side and blinked at me in shock. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

“We’d be buying a house together, nothing else just yet,” I reasoned. “Although I’m sure Barbara would be dancing with glee if we mentioned anything of the sort. Especially if I introduced you as my boyfriend.”

Brian let out a laugh. “Is that what I am, a boyfriend?”

“Mmm, you’re right. Someone as _distinguished_ as you are, maybe boyfriend isn’t the right word,” I placed a kiss on his chest, feeling very bold. “Perhaps, if you _did_ make the trip, I could introduce you as my lover…” I dropped my voice. “You know what? I like the sound of that.”

“I do too…” Brian’s voice was low and husky, and damn sexy.

“Yeah, I think I should do that,” I cleared my throat. “I’ll walk up to the door, and knock, and when they answer I’ll say ‘Damian, Barbara, this is my lover, Brian Hawkins.’”

He kissed me again, running his tongue along my lip for a second. Good Lord, I wanted him badly. I wasn’t sure if this was the result of hormones and adrenaline, but I was incredibly happy.

“You know, they once offered to sell me their house before they went off to Arizona, but I said no. I wasn’t ready at the time, but really, I realize now that I was scared that if my father were ever released from prison, he’d come after us. So, soon after that, Emily and I moved to Barbary Lane.” I turned over onto my side to face him, propping myself up on my elbow. “Besides, they’re expecting me to come for dinner on Thursday. If you _do_ want to come along, then we don’t have to stay more than a night or two, especially with Emily and Shawna waiting for us at home.”

“I thought you’d said until Sunday…”

“I thought I might need that long to decide what I was going to do, but now I don’t think so,” I answered. “So, what do you think? Do you want to come along?”

He was quiet for less than a minute.

“When do we leave?”

I rolled on top of him and kissed him thoroughly.

“I have the hotel room for another day and a half,” I figured this was as good a time as any to tell him about an idea that had been floating around in my head since I’d stepped out of the bathroom. “What do you say we hang the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door, order room service when we get hungry, and spend the rest of the time christening this room in a multitude of different ways?”

I had no idea whether this sudden bout of confidence had anything to do with finally letting Brian in, but there was no way I was going to try and stop it. At least not right now. Suddenly, I wanted and needed him as a friend and lover more than I’d ever needed anyone, and that was both thrilling and terrifying at the same time.

He looked as though I’d just flipped a switch for him as well. He rolled over onto his stomach beside me, and put a hand on my belly, just above my navel.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” he whispered as he started rubbing small circles.  

I took a deep breath. “Yes,” I heard my voice shake slightly. I _did_ want it, but even still, this was new to me. Well, not entirely, but it’d still been twenty years since I’d had sex for pleasure. To illustrate, I stayed his hand, and brought it under the blanket to where I wanted him to touch me.

First shock, and then a smirk crossed Brian’s face as he kicked the blanket off both of us and the bed. Rolling over, he moved down my body and kissed the inside of my thigh in response.  

 ooOoo

Brian had arrived at my hotel room on Monday evening, and, per my suggestion, we’d locked the door and stayed there until Wednesday evening, making love in every possible corner of that room. Stopping only when the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak, we’d eat, shower, and hammer out the details of what we’d tell Ray’s parents when we got to Arizona. Lather, rinse, repeat.

After checking out, we were in my rental car, making our way to Ray and Ben’s apartment. I wanted to say goodbye to them both before Brian and I got on the plane.

“You ready?” Brian asked as we pulled up to the curb outside their apartment building.

“Yeah,” I put the car in neutral and kissed him quickly as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “I’m just pissed we can’t get a damn parking spot. I’ll be fifteen minutes, tops. Do you want the radio?”

“No, that’s alright. I can entertain myself for fifteen minutes,” he reached into his bag and pulled out a map of Chicago that he must have picked up on Monday when he’d gotten in. “Been meaning to catch up on this.”

“I wish you joy of it,” I chuckled as I closed the car door and walked to the front of the apartment building, pressing the buzzer. I’d called the night before and left a message to tell them that Brian had made it to the hotel, and that we were okay. Plus, if it was alright, we’d stop by the apartment before heading to the airport if they were going to be home. Ray had called back, chuckled slightly, and said, yes, they were going to be home, we were welcome to stop by whenever.

“Hello?” Ben’s voice crackled over the intercom.

“Hi Ben, it’s Pam.”

“Hi Pam! Come on up.” He unlocked the lobby door and I was up the stairs in a matter of minutes.

Once there, I knocked on their apartment door and waited.

Ben opened the door and smiled at me. “Hello, Pam, please come in,” He moved out of the way and let me in. “Please excuse the furniture in the way, I’m just finishing the vacuuming before we head out camping for the weekend.”

“Not to worry, I’m not staying long. I just came to say goodbye. Brian and I are on our way to the airport.”

Ben smiled briefly. “Arizona, I take it?”

“Yes. If Damian and Barbara agree that it’s a good idea, then we’ll sit down with Anna, sign the documents, and then Brian and I will officially own 28 Barbary Lane,” I smiled back at him. “Is Ray home, by any chance?”

“He is, he’s just folding the laundry from last night,” Ben turned his head. “Ray?” he called back toward the bedrooms.

Ray poked his head out. “Yeah?”  

A few moments later, it seemed to register that I was standing in the apartment, waiting to talk to him. “Hey Pam!” he greeted me, throwing the unfolded shirt he had in his hand back into the room behind him. “Are you heading out?” Ray asked as he made his way to both me and Ben across the living room.

“Yeah, just a quick stop. Our flight’s leaving soon.”

“Where’s Brian? Don’t we get to say hello and goodbye?”

“Not yet. We couldn’t get a parking spot, so he’s waiting downstairs in the car in case he’s got to move it,” I answered as Ray pulled me into a hug. “Heading to Arizona.”

“Since you are, give Mom this…” he kissed my cheek and pulled back.

“Of course I will, you goof,” I let my arms fall by my sides. “I, um…” I cleared my throat. “I wanted to thank you.”

“What for?”

“You two made me see what I’d been denying myself,” I swallowed. “You did the right thing in calling Brian to get him out here. As I said to Ben, we’re going to have dinner and talk with your Mom and Dad. If they agree, then Brian and I will be homeowners…” I ran my tongue over my teeth, as though I’d never uttered the word ‘homeowner’ before. It felt strange coming out of my mouth. “And because you were too stubborn to listen to me when _I_ was being stubborn, I may have a chance at happiness after all.”

“Oh sweetheart,” Ray moved in to hug me again. “Don’t be wasting your time up here with us. Go. Have an adventure.” He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “Have fantastic sex and fall in love with the man waiting in that car for you.”

“You’re terrible, and I love you,” I pulled away and moved to say goodbye to Ben. “Be happy, okay? And be good to him. Ray’s my family, and I’m so glad he found you.”

“I’m honoured that you think so highly of Abby and me,” Ben answered as I moved back toward the door. “And you as well. Like Ray said, you deserve it.”

I blew a kiss to both of them and went out the door.

Brian was actually leaning on the car, waiting for me when I went back downstairs, grinning as I approached.

“Ready to go?” He opened his arms and kissed me quickly. “Our flight leaves in about two hours.”

“We better head out, then,” I winked and went around to the driver’s side. “Unless you want to drive to O’Hare?”

Brian shook his head. “No, that’s fine. It’s your car until we get there.”

We got into the car and closed the doors with just enough force to make sure they were closed properly.

“Besides, I’m real handy with a map.”

I laughed and turned the key in the ignition, honking the horn as we pulled away from the curb.   

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover Art for "Soul's Road"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16129568) by [bingeling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingeling/pseuds/bingeling)




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